I met up with the other strategist, the Shanghainese guy who I met through my Chinese University friend who knows my crush but my crush is more reluctant to meet because he's more junior. (Yep, it's complicated like that). I liked him because he was frank. He acted neither above me or below me, and was rather honest and truthful in giving out opinions.
This time when we met however, he found out that I actually left Shanghai when I was quite young. He responded "So you're American." Then the conversations followed where he brought up many examples of why I am American and he's Chinese and me being bummed that I'm rejected and excluded from being a Chinese. At least I'd like to get the acceptance and acknowledgment that I am Chinese along with being American. Nope - I did not get such satisfaction. He seems to think that I fit in everywhere and want to be everywhere. Whereas he would go visit a place and think it is kind of exotic but always return home, I could just keep on living in that place and be a part of that place.
When I mentioned that there is no patriotism in the US per se, but one does feel more proud when a moment like Obama being black and elected celebrates a kind of spirit that is only achievable in the US, where an oppressed race can in fact through personal effort make it there. He said Chinese people don't feel for black or white and see them all alike. If Hillary gets elected, he'd feel more excited because it is a woman. True, there are no black people in China, so why would anyone feel anything for that race and the struggle an underdog would experience? Whereas women, people can see they are the less privileged sort in China...
He said I didn't have to say much but he could feel that I am not Chinese and I think differently. I was bothered by this all afternoon. After all, I felt like rejecting my international group of friends often because I claimed myself as being more Shanghainese. In my mind, there is that special connection that exists between people there and me. Yet this guy concluded that I should stay in Hong Kong and not Shanghai. It is better for me.
He said, "I can see that you are a facebook user." Most of his friends are not. Most of the locals are not. Later I get it. Facebook is banned anyway in China so it automatically becomes a divider between one's claim to being Chinese.
In the afternoon, I had tea with a friend who recently made MD at a prestigious US bank. I suppose she has not wasted all her years while being in Hong Kong. I jumped from place to place only onto a ship that is sinking. She is definitely more local and questioned why I want so hard to be local. There are all sorts of people and I should just be with the ones I feel connected to. True. Why twist myself and try so hard. In all honesty, there are always a few turning points in one's life, like the time when I felt that my days in California were over when I felt bored and ready to move on. This is another one of those moments when I feel quite spent staying in a Chinese bank and ready for the excitement of an outside world. I am not all that Chinese, though there is definitely in me an understanding of how people think and work even though I am not part of the system myself. To me that should be enough. I should now find a place where I can feel comfortable, where I can be unapologettically myself, be that American, Chinese, European or something universal.
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