Resting in Maldives

I am resting in Maldives as we speak, trying to work on a few things for work.  The resort island is beautiful but also quite expensive.  Getting here on speedboat from the capital Male cost almost 200 US alone.  Add to that the meal plan etc.  I do need a break though.  For almost half a year, I have been shuttling between Hong Kong and Shanghai and lying next to the beach of a neutral place is a good break.  Come Monday I am off to Shanghai again.  The morning I get into Hong Kong and in the evening I am off.  

I think it will be a good change.  Somehow my experience in Hong Kong has been deteriorating.  After all these years, it is a pity that it is still not home.  I don't know what I can find elsewhere but we shall see.  The one thing I need to find to do is running a profitable business so I do not need to rely on work for all my attention span and all my possibilities in life.  "Man is born free but everywhere he is in chains,"  that's the age old philosophy that still rings true.  I want to be free from my chains and really live a spectacular life, a creative one, and a truthful one.  I hope I can.  

The art of speaking and communicating

I think these days I am now back to my original goal of thinking before speaking.  After I came back to Hong Kong, I again was truthful in communicating my dissatisfaction of the place to those I meet.  It is a nice and convenient place but I feel it is not home.  Friends come and go but they are never that rooted.  A friend who tapped into my network has been meeting all my friends on my behalf annoyed me a bit.  Not only that, he has been talking negatively about me with my friends.  Oh, so and so also agreed with me, that you can be quite negative sometimes.  Oh, you could be like so and so.  Oh you are not really that social and interested in meeting people.  He says.  I tell you this because I know you can take it.

I think I need to filter my thoughts and what I say.  As we grow older, I find that everyone has an agenda to further his or her interest.  There is no pure interest in another person, even within a family.  People are all self-interested, especially when we roll out capitalism in the midst.  Words are like swords, they can spread love and hurt. Though they are invisible, they have lasting effects.  I see some less sophisticated friends that speak and ramble on with no clear purpose.  It shows one's intelligence and emotional intelligence to be able to send targeted messages to select people.  The art of conversation..

Met up with a lot of people and watched "Blue Jasmine" with an ex-colleague of mine.  It was a little depressing despite the great performance.  The top of the world to the bottom.  Hopefully in my climb through accumulated efforts I would never have to face that..

Maybe he's just not that into you..

I thought about why my crush has been just so utterly cold to me.  Besides being by nature a loner and a selfish person, I think he probably does not want to be dragged by his association with me.  He has done well in life and climbed out of the hole that life had placed him into.  He does not want to be at the same level professionally with a woman and he does not want a friend who is still lower than him in compensation and position.  And he does not want to be giving any false to an older woman when all he wants are young and pretty playthings around.

I have been quiet since coming back.  The office's cold atmosphere makes me want to cry everyday.  I have been keeping things to myself.  Being with myself is the safest.  It takes no extra energy and no extra guessing game about who to trust, who to confide in.  Saying too much makes one make mistakes that one would be able to avoid if keeping silent.

Everyone goes back to a family, with those they can spend time with.  I go back to a place by myself.  I just want peace and time to build my next path - I don't want to be inundated with sounds and things and activities that can attract with my inner peace.  I am doing yoga everyday now.  It has been good.

I saw the private equity girl who used to circle around in the bathroom today putting on makeup and going out hunting presumably.  I felt cold around her and did not stop to say hello.  There is no need.  I am keeping all my time and energy to myself now.

And I did meet someone at the airport

Surprisingly enough I did meet someone at the airport, as I had been keeping my eyes open.  I bumped into my HK crush on the same flight.  I was on the phone when we were lining up for the flight but went over and tapped him on the shoulder.  I then went to the end of the line and waited, continuing my conversation with my uncle.  When walking past his row on the plane, I asked how come hes's not choosing first class.  He said no.

I wondered if I would see him after the flight landed but he went off by himself.  This is after not being in Hong Kong for three weeks.  I guess he's just not interested in forming a normal friendship.  Maybe that's the best.  Is this God's prayer being answered actually?  Who else will I meet who is available and attractive and reciprocal in this trip?

The prayer group saw through it all

My second Bible study group today was better than the last one.  First, two new guys joined group, making the male and female ration much better.  Even though they are either attached or married it didn't matter, since just having guys there changes the energy level.  There are guys out there still, it tells me.

I kept on asking hard questions as always.  Last time I drilled the leader on why God would plant that forbidden tree there if he really loves man and wants to walk with him.  Why trick man at all?  The leader kept on answering that it is because he's God and he could do what he pleased.  If she asked me not to look into the bathroom cabinet, would I?  That answer was not satisfactory for me obviously.  I prodded further.  I needed an answer and not blindly trust the assumption just because it supposedly came from God.  Today, I similarly wanted to ask why God chose Abram as the one.  Because he is God, I was told.  The first question I asked last week had a good feedback from the pastor though.  She told me that God put the tree there so man could choose.  Instead of a blind love, man could choose to love him by not eating from the tree.  That was a breakthrough thinking.

When prayer session came, the American woman leading the group prayed for me.  She said who knows who I will meet, in the airport, at work etc.  I did not even tell her that I am single and am searching, yet somehow the older woman sensed it.  What magic.  I hope the same vibe could carry me through finding a partner.