The blocked Shanghai weekend

I just got back to work from spending the weekend plus Monday in Shanghai.  Everything I am used to checking on the internet was blocked, like Youtube, Bloomberg, NY Times, Facebook, and even Blogspot. I was not able to vent my thoughts as readily as I'd like or get the information I normally get.

I concluded that life is kind of hard there. China is not the same place five or ten years ago, as my friend who moved there for business said.  It is hard to make money.  You can if you have power, but then that's kind of risky.  I think policies can change and you weather just as much danger from being toppled over or being in jail while making that amount.  Can you really sleep at night knowing you bear such risk?

Pollution is also bad.  I had a great view from my office in Lujiazui over the entire CBD, yet everything is shrouded in a haze that just makes one feel oppressed, much like the relatively oppressive regime itself.  I longed for freedom there, I longed for the people to see more than their little lives running from place to place just to make a living.  This kind of living does not allow one to see the spiritual side, making life less fun to live.

Two friends there told me again that I am not Chinese.  I might not like Shanghai.  I could live there but because I think differently from everyone else, I would not have much fun cause people would not want to talk to me.  I guess that is true.  My strong desire to be local partly comes from the fact that I work in a Chinese bank now and I wanted to get into my crush's world.  Even though he's married, and probably not interested even in an affair as he is spending all this time with this young girl in a different department.

Maybe the couple of times he ignored saying hi to me or did not invite me to lunch when he invited another Chinese guy was because I was not Chinese enough and he thinks that I would not understand.  But I do.  But I just have not been in that environment to know how people act or behave to convey certain emotion.  I need to control that as well.  I watched the Community Party CPC and I see how controlled everyone's emotion is.  Not that I want to become a communist robot but it helps to know my environment and act accordingly.  I am not good at that I know but I can try.  I remember being much more reserved in high school.  I had a hard time letting go.  It took me so much courage to say hi to others.  Now I just let the floodgate open and it is hard to shut it down.  Moderation would be helpful.