In any case, I think it is important to practice restraint. My friend echoed a line in a famous movie that I can't recall right now, "You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!" Indeed, I have been blamed by a friend that I tell him the truth and he'd cry at home. Trapped in a job in banking that is going nowhere and paying little, I told him that he should think about something else. It is also obvious to me and everyone else that he does not have the ambition and the resolve to make it very far even if he is handed a more senior position and honest in this market, his only chance is probably going to come when there is another bull market. There does not seem like one any time soon and he is likely going to be 'killed' b才是y the industry before that arrives. He somehow knew this but he did not want to hear any of it.
But then what is the point of having friends if they cannot tell you the truth? So many people display so much false politeness and courtesy and yet feel nothing for one, isn't that a waste of time? I appreciate real friendship that one can depend on, one that you can tell that person how you feel and benefit from it, ones who can take risk and step outside of the normal comfort zone and let you know what to do.
I want to keep a few of these friends and then also be able to hold my thoughts in and selectively tell others. I think I am naturally trusting and curious, but I realize that it is always better to hold it in, particularly in Asia. This way I won't inadvertently step on someone's toes or lose those key points that could help you by letting others know those details about yourself. It is also more fun. Talking and interacting with others is a skill and needs to be honed and practiced. I shall work on it.
I also spent the last couple of days meeting up with my ex love from SF. He always has a lot of resolve. Although he is already married with a kid, I feel I could still talk to him all the time. I trust him though do not lust for him. He could always lend an ear and listen and give reasonable feedback. I often struggle with whether or not to move back to SF. But more and more I think I'd just stay here. There is just so much going on here and it is hard to pull away from the madness and the excitement. The center of the world is shifting so how can one just leave when the music is still playing? I could find a guy back in the US but who's to ensure that the love and marriage would last?
The young girl at work still comes by the desk of my Chinese crush (yes I know it's getting old, errr). I no longer like him but then there is all that remnant feeling of spending so much time thinking about him. She would smile and then ask him to ask her out for a meal. When he was indecisive, she'd then lower her voice and whisper. Recently there was a few people getting together to order books from mainland China and shipped them to the office. There was one that stuck out "Flirting and playing with guys should be the actual serious thing to do" (泡男人才是正经事). I was surprised at how aggressive this girl can be and how determined she is. I'd rather walk away. He remotely toying with idea of being with her just turns me off. I don't like sitting next to a guy who is like that though. He is selfish and hardly thinks of others. I should be lucky if he doesn't come attacking me just for the thrill of the competition - how could I be so foolish to think he'd be my soul mate? Again, practicing restraint sitting next to all that nonsense is important.
I am going to spend the first two weeks of April in Shanghai and the last week in San Francisco. I am looking forward to it.
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