I feel bad. I need more mental discipline for sure. Last night at dinner I asked for the feedback from an awkward young lawyer who puts together dinners in Hong Kong to introduce people. He said he judges people that he invites to the dinner by six criteria, among which are qualifications that they are wealthy, connected, intelligent, interesting, good looking and compassionate. He said he could give everyone his impression (I don't really know him) after dinner if one should be interested. Being the inquisitive person that I am, I was the only one to ask him for his opinions.
He said that he thinks I am not wealthy (but later qualified that he defines wealthy as being able to inherit at least US$4m), that I am not connected (but later qualified that he would change his mind if he knew I have been in Hong Kong for 8 years already, but I must not have been connected when I first got here), that I am mildly attractive (I protested, but he said that's given that he knows many private bankers), that I am quick to judgment and the way I say things is so certain (people like to talk to people whose minds they can change etc.) I guess I was pretty pissed off hearing about it.
Maybe it isn't the best thing to receive feedback, like all my friends were saying in business school, there are two sides to a coin, and people will always feed you the side that you are not. If you are quiet, they say you are anti social. If you are loud, they say you are overwhelming etc. I need to take it with a grain of salt, but then perhaps I should not take it too seriously, but also be mindful of what I say or do in public in the future. Hong Kong is not a place to put down your guard after all. In the case that you do not know what everyone's intention is, you should remain mum and be careful. It's a pity. Another Shanghainese guy at the dinner said that's the reason why in Chinese firms people don't talk to each other. They do not want to reveal anything that could be used against them. What a pity - because it is lonely without all that socializing at work.
Another thing is that I miss my coworker. I need to get over it, but every once in a while I become infatuated with someone. That period could then be known as the period of Blah blah blah. So this is the period of the cool coworker. It is not really productive use of my time and energy. I will try to reign it in. Somehow in my mind he's become everything I ever wanted. It's definitely idealization. But I don't have connections that often, yet how can I control the fact that sometimes it is with someone who is not available? The connection is just as strong - leaving it hard for me to put out the fire by myself, alone. He's the first and only Chinese guy that I feel close to, probably because he is well versed in western and eastern cultures. Anyway, life is such that sometimes you should walk away, even though you may think this could lead to a beautiful life together.
All this comes down to emotional disciplines, which I lack. I tend to indulge in my feelings at the moment, and find it hard to shake it off. I also tend to find it hard to regulate my thoughts, which tend to spill out without adequate filter. I used to not be like this when I was younger. I think partly it is because for a while I had condoned this behavior without check. Maybe my life had been too comfortable? I also took on some of my business school crush T's rich public school attitude. He poked at me with very pointy statements back then had trained me to behave like this to others sometimes. I need to remind myself that it did not make me or the others feel warm back then.
Maybe I just need to get laid? My fixation has to come partly from the fact that I am not satisfied sexually. Sitting there across from the guy you like at work is a test on my hormones - yes, that is completely inappropriate. But just as proximity determines most of the marriage unions, you can't help but be physically attracted to him. But again, mental discipline.
Meditation probably helps in all this. I want to become a better person that heed to others' needs.
Saturday is passing quickly. New year's resolution:
1. Devote more time and effort to find love and hopefully a lasting one.
2. Consider moving to buyside research/portfolio management. Managing money seems like it would be more fun.
3. Emotional discipline. Think before I speak. Heed my words.
Thus, we start 2013 new year, still time to have a clean slate before Chinese New Year.
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