Had lunch with two ex-colleagues today. The guy is from Shanghai and is rather stable with his career as a research analyst. We were recruited at the same time. He's married and offered his perspective on love and dating. He commented that my threshold for chemistry and love may be too high. Dating and marriage are two completely different things. Some people wait around for love and connection but they never find it and then miss the everyday marriage part. This is in response to my reluctance to choose an ex-coworker who seemed to be very stable as marriage material but I wanted more - a connection, chemistry, love...
Can I really just skip the connection, passion part and jump straight to the practical side of a union?
Tonight, I was calm enough to chat with my affair partner (since after I told him that I hated him, I was spineless enough to ask him to vote for me in the Institutional Investor voting). He is going through a divorce but did not want to commit because he has already made a mistake of seventeen years acting on passion alone. He said he thinks he would drive me crazy if he is to live with me. He also told me that I can be abrasive. Everyone has emotion but I seem to not filter mine. That is indeed true. I am working on that as I said before. I need to meditate. He told me to relax and not think that the world is against me, the exact words that the head of research had told me. I guess I can be naturally defensive. Either I have lots of money or power to not care, or I should restrain and discipline my emotion. That is for certain. My love said every great person has good and bad parts, and he likes all of me. So to that I said thanks. It doesn't matter does it? I still need to walk away from my love and tame my heart for something more.
I tried going to badminton organized by my bank. When I arrived there, I found no one. Later the administrator told me that those who had signed up late cancelled. I made no professional or personal progress on that front. I went back to the office and sat there doodling around when my office crushed walked in after dinner with another female coworker. The junior guy who saw me snooping around also sat there. I was there for a few minutes silent, not knowing what to say, knowing that the junior guy did not tell him anything but is probably observing my reaction. I could not see him interacting with other girls without feeling jealous and not knowing if I could entirely hide my feeling, I always tried to be quiet and walk away. That isn't the most smooth way to handle it but I have to deal with what I've got.
To increase my pool of potential candidates, I signed up for the alumni activity list of two mainland universities, posing as their graduate. I told my ex-colleague in my core I am actually very mainland. He said how could that be if my values are American, and the core of someone is really his/her value. I don't know. I guess I'm just confused. How can one express one's true core to someone? He said I need to recognize that if I am to get together with a Chinese person, there is that hurdle of different value systems. He suggested that I move to the US, where my odds would be greatly increased. His sister did so and found someone in New York in the first month. Are those anecdotal stories really worth the effort of uprooting one's self from a comfortable spot one's built up to somewhere else and start over? Would I risk giving up on a career that I paid forward for many years prior to start again? Those are questions to be beckoned with this year. On a side note, another head hunter called and I met him about opportunities in a different bank. I turned t down and told him that I am concentrating on a reputable buyside firm. I need to update my resume to proceed to the next stage. Somehow 2013 feels like a new start for me with my renewed focus on those three objectives. To re-iterate, it would be to find love, to explore a good buyside firm, and to exercise emotional control. In addition, I will lose 10 pounds. So far my diet log has been working.
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