Ready to go

I'm almost all packed up now and just realized that I won't really have blog access while in Shanghai.  So I guess it will be a long hiatus friends.  I will try to see if there are VPN services.  I may go stay at my friend's place in a week.  In the meantime, I'd like to see if I can commute from home.  It will be a very domestic experience.

The more I think about my situation, the more I think I need to find an alternative income source.  My industry is very volatile and all these people once they lose their job can remain so for a year or two, and some not ever getting back into the game.  I don't know how that feels like and averaging out most people don't really make that much.  It's been a bad few years and averaging out I really just have an industry pay.  Plus, there all that risk of being fired with no job for a while.

I do appreciate the freedom I have right now to work from the Shanghai office.  I can cool my mind and get out of the race to think more about what it is I should do next.

"How can a woman be the head?"

Thursday night I was at work working on a few leftover tasks before heading off to my long break.  To my surprise, my coworker came back at 7pm or so in a suit.  I asked him what he's been up to so late, he told me he was meeting with the visiting heads of the main bank.  I asked if it is the middle-aged woman that is the head, who came by in the afternoon and was introduced as such.  He said no.  "Of course not.  How could a woman be the head of the bank?"

I said you can't think like that.  He said he doesn't think like that, but the world is like that.  I said I know you do think like that. 

Anyway, I think he's exhausted all the hurtful things now.  I don't know what his intentions are.  He went back to his desk and said that he's bad.  I said you can just blame your parents cause you're born bad.  I asked where he's going with his suitcase.  He said he has not decided yet.  I said I know he just wants to be mysterious.  Maybe he's going to Macau, he said.  Would I call the police if he doesn't come back? he said mischievously.  

I need to cleanse myself and behave normally with him around.  Breathe deep think deep. 

I met up with an alumni I met up with six months back for dinner at the new hip place "Three Monkeys" on Hollywood Rd.  He's actually working in New York right now.  He told me about the beautiful people he meets there.  He thinks (probably correctly) that there is more wealth there and the investment managers are more sophisticated.  Everyone wants to make it there. There is more of a buzz there and people think differently.  We all agree though that Hong Kong has more to offer than San Francisco.  He thinks I'd enjoy it there.  He's three years younger than me but I kind of enjoyed being with him.  I can see that I wouldn't mind dating someone younger.  One has more energy and more to look forward to.  

A good friend of mine is getting married and I just found out to a woman three years younger.  He is ok with that knows quite a few couples like that.  I think maybe I should not be so hung up on the age thing.  There are those younger but more mature.  It is just more important to pass good times together. 

Officially the rudest person ever

I asked my friend in sales, a Taiwanese American girl from Cali to tea yesterday.  When we bumped into my guy in the elevator, he again only acknowledged her and nodded and smiled to her and ignored me completely.  I think the only time that happened before was when a racist Aussie manager walked by in my old work place and did not say hi back when I said hi.  Maybe my brother?  He's never into acknowledging me.  But that's it.

This is again not the first time this happened.  How foolish I was in thinking he could be a good mentor, a good friend, etc?  This is someone that clearly has psychological issues, someone uncomfortable in his own skin, the kind of nouveau riche that needs to validate himself by hurting others.

Half a day later...(to continue)
Anyway, that is that.  I  really need to get a life.  This afternoon I talked to him the first time in months.  God it's pathetic.  I overheard him talking to his ex-colleague about his ex-boss leaving the bank.  He was kind and professional when talking to her, and not the usual flirting he does with the aggressive girls that come up. I was again taken and tested water by asking if his boss left and if he's going to take over his spot.  But again, talking to him made me high.  I could not contain the enthusiasm I naturally felt and exuded that over to everyone around me.  It seems weird how from being utterly bored during lunch and a few hours later I could experience such mood swing by exchanging just one sentence.. but most importantly, I really really need to keep it to myself.  How can I just blindly display emotion like this?

Ok Shanghai here I come.  I really look forward to it.  Ah...

I also spent the night at the Indian guy's place last night.  He's actually pretty nice, though he did not come on to me during the night like others normally do.  Maybe he's not that interested.  We talked for like an hour before we got it on.  He's actually very interesting, patient and kind.  I think I can be with someone like that.  He is smart and worked in good companies in New York and Hong Kong and has a very mature way of looking at the world.  He is reasonable and can stand my emotional upheaval and is not threatened about me being a bit achievement oriented.

But then again, it might all be in my head and that imaginary world that is detached from reality......But for the moment, it brings me happiness.

Practice restraint

I am in the midst of earnings season and working late, the thought of that small bonus makes one mad and demotivated.  I know I have a long career ahead of me and that I am not uncomfortable right now, but still... 

In any case, I think it is important to practice restraint.  My friend echoed a line in a famous movie that I can't recall right now, "You want the truth?  You can't handle the truth!"  Indeed, I have been blamed by a friend that I tell him the truth and he'd cry at home. Trapped in a job in banking that is going nowhere and paying little, I told him that he should think about something else.  It is also obvious to me and everyone else that he does not have the ambition and the resolve to make it very far even if he is handed a more senior position and honest in this market, his only chance is probably going to come when there is another bull market.  There does not seem like one any time soon and he is likely going to be 'killed' b才是y the industry before that arrives.  He somehow knew this but he did not want to hear any of it.  

But then what is the point of having friends if they cannot tell you the truth?  So many people display so much false politeness and courtesy and yet feel nothing for one, isn't that a waste of time?  I appreciate real friendship that one can depend on, one that you can tell that person how you feel and benefit from it, ones who can take risk and step outside of the normal comfort zone and let you know what to do.  

I want to keep a few of these friends and then also be able to hold my thoughts in and selectively tell others.  I think I am naturally trusting and curious, but I realize that it is always better to hold it in, particularly in Asia.  This way I won't inadvertently step on someone's toes or lose those key points that could help you by letting others know those details about yourself.  It is also more fun.  Talking and interacting with others is a skill and needs to be honed and practiced.  I shall work on it. 

I also spent the last couple of days meeting up with my ex love from SF.  He always has a lot of resolve.  Although he is already married with a kid, I feel I could still talk to him all the time.  I trust him though do not lust for him.  He could always lend an ear and listen and give reasonable feedback.  I often struggle with whether or not to move back to SF. But more and more I think I'd just stay here.  There is just so much going on here and it is hard to pull away from the madness and the excitement.  The center of the world is shifting so how can one just leave when the music is still playing?  I could find a guy back in the US but who's to ensure that the love and marriage would last?  

The young girl at work still comes by the desk of my Chinese crush (yes I know it's getting old, errr).  I no longer like him but then there is all that remnant feeling of spending so much time thinking about him.  She would smile and then ask him to ask her out for a meal.  When he was indecisive, she'd then lower her voice and whisper.  Recently there was a few people getting together to order books from mainland China and shipped them to the office.  There was one that stuck out "Flirting and playing with guys should be the actual serious thing to do" (泡男人才是正经事).  I was surprised at how aggressive this girl can be and how determined she is.  I'd rather walk away.  He remotely toying with idea of being with her just turns me off.  I don't like sitting next to a guy who is like that though.  He is selfish and hardly thinks of others.  I should be lucky if he doesn't come attacking me just for the thrill of the competition - how could I be so foolish to think he'd be my soul mate?  Again, practicing restraint sitting next to all that nonsense is important. 

I am going to spend the first two weeks of April in Shanghai and the last week in San Francisco.  I am looking forward to it.  

Lesson 1 for being Chinese: Avoid the topic

The one thing that I have noticed being with my Chinese colleague is that most people are very private.  After  sitting next to someone for almost two years, no one really knows anything other than a few vague facts about that person.

I tried asking what I shall call my ex-crush a few details about what he did over vacation or garden leave etc, and every time I was met with a reluctant and awkward answer.  I know this is partly his socially awkward behavior but the same thing happened with my more jovial coworkers.  What does your wife do?  What did you do before joining our bank?  I asked the guy sitting in front of me.  Every time he smiled and shifted the topic to something else, like "Oh, what time is it now?" "Oh, look at this plate."

I asked that Chinese coworker to lunch and he jovially accepted yesterday.  We were at a Chinese restaurant in Sheung Wan and again I was curious and asked what his wife does for a living.  Again, he pretended to not have heard and moved on with the conversation.  Gosh, do people believe that I work for the KGB or the equivalent of one in China?  Why are people so wary?

Oh well, when in Rome, do what the Romans do.  When it was his turn to ask, "Do you own your place in Hong Kong?"  normally I would have happily answered and then proceed the conversation with greater interest as I share my experience on down payment and interest rate and benefiting from an unexpected property bubble, but this time is different.  I said nothing.  Instead I looked at our food and said the chicken is spicy.

Why not practice the art and do unto others what they do unto you.  I was happy that I avoided the topic in a crafty way.  I know a well-to-do Caucasian roommate's father does the same thing.  Once I went to her family Thanksgiving dinner in Carmel.  When he was asked a question, he'd just stuff a bread into his mouth so he does not have to answer.  What a polite way to avoid conflict and to avoid talking too much as in my case. And this extends the racial line.  Though I just have to practice it a lot more in my Chinese crowd, especially with people I suspect would do the same thing to me.  My guy friend from SF is visiting.  He said his natural instinct is just not to share anything personal with people.  That's probably a good idea.  Of course, I'm sharing it instead with the invisible mass public on the web...

The blocked Shanghai weekend

I just got back to work from spending the weekend plus Monday in Shanghai.  Everything I am used to checking on the internet was blocked, like Youtube, Bloomberg, NY Times, Facebook, and even Blogspot. I was not able to vent my thoughts as readily as I'd like or get the information I normally get.

I concluded that life is kind of hard there. China is not the same place five or ten years ago, as my friend who moved there for business said.  It is hard to make money.  You can if you have power, but then that's kind of risky.  I think policies can change and you weather just as much danger from being toppled over or being in jail while making that amount.  Can you really sleep at night knowing you bear such risk?

Pollution is also bad.  I had a great view from my office in Lujiazui over the entire CBD, yet everything is shrouded in a haze that just makes one feel oppressed, much like the relatively oppressive regime itself.  I longed for freedom there, I longed for the people to see more than their little lives running from place to place just to make a living.  This kind of living does not allow one to see the spiritual side, making life less fun to live.

Two friends there told me again that I am not Chinese.  I might not like Shanghai.  I could live there but because I think differently from everyone else, I would not have much fun cause people would not want to talk to me.  I guess that is true.  My strong desire to be local partly comes from the fact that I work in a Chinese bank now and I wanted to get into my crush's world.  Even though he's married, and probably not interested even in an affair as he is spending all this time with this young girl in a different department.

Maybe the couple of times he ignored saying hi to me or did not invite me to lunch when he invited another Chinese guy was because I was not Chinese enough and he thinks that I would not understand.  But I do.  But I just have not been in that environment to know how people act or behave to convey certain emotion.  I need to control that as well.  I watched the Community Party CPC and I see how controlled everyone's emotion is.  Not that I want to become a communist robot but it helps to know my environment and act accordingly.  I am not good at that I know but I can try.  I remember being much more reserved in high school.  I had a hard time letting go.  It took me so much courage to say hi to others.  Now I just let the floodgate open and it is hard to shut it down.  Moderation would be helpful.

"You are not Chinese. You are a facebook user."

I met up with the other strategist, the Shanghainese guy who I met through my Chinese University friend who knows my crush but my crush is more reluctant to meet because he's more junior.  (Yep, it's complicated like that).  I liked him because he was frank.  He acted neither above me or below me, and was rather honest and truthful in giving out opinions.

This time when we met however, he found out that I actually left Shanghai when I was quite young.  He responded "So you're American."  Then the conversations followed where he brought up many examples of why I am American and he's Chinese and me being bummed that I'm rejected and excluded from being a Chinese.  At least I'd like to get the acceptance and acknowledgment that I am Chinese along with being American.  Nope - I did not get such satisfaction.  He seems to think that I fit in everywhere and want to be everywhere.  Whereas he would go visit a place and think it is kind of exotic but always return home, I could just keep on living in that place and be a part of that place.

When I mentioned that there is no patriotism in the US per se, but one does feel more proud when a moment like Obama being black and elected celebrates a kind of spirit that is only achievable in the US, where an oppressed race can in fact through personal effort make it there.  He said Chinese people don't feel for black or white and see them all alike.  If Hillary gets elected, he'd feel more excited because it is a woman.  True, there are no black people in China, so why would anyone feel anything for that race and the struggle an underdog would experience?  Whereas women, people can see they are the less privileged sort in China...

He said I didn't have to say much but he could feel that I am not Chinese and I think differently.  I was bothered by this all afternoon.  After all, I felt like rejecting my international group of friends often because I claimed myself as being more Shanghainese.  In my mind, there is that special connection that exists between people there and me.  Yet this guy concluded that I should stay in Hong Kong and not Shanghai.  It is better for me.

He said, "I can see that you are a facebook user."  Most of his friends are not.  Most of the locals are not.  Later I get it.  Facebook is banned anyway in China so it automatically becomes a divider between one's claim to being Chinese.

In the afternoon, I had tea with a friend who recently made MD at a prestigious US bank.  I suppose she has not wasted all her years while being in Hong Kong.  I jumped from place to place only onto a ship that is sinking.  She is definitely more local and questioned why I want so hard to be local.  There are all sorts of people and I should just be with the ones I feel connected to.  True.  Why twist myself and try so hard.  In all honesty, there are always a few turning points in one's life, like the time when I felt that my days in California were over when I felt bored and ready to move on.  This is another one of those moments when I feel quite spent staying in a Chinese bank and ready for the excitement of an outside world.  I am not all that Chinese, though there is definitely in me an understanding of how people think and work even though I am not part of the system myself.  To me that should be enough.  I should now find a place where I can feel comfortable, where I can be unapologettically myself, be that American, Chinese, European or something universal.