Of course I feel like this is a total repetition of what is naturally programmed in me. I know that almost twenty years ago, I started the same obsession with my biology teacher, with the child prodigy and then with my Aca Deca competition mate. I know it repeats itself. I know it's bad. I hope yoga will help quiet my mind and I hope maturity and my learning of the feminine power can help free me from my programmed obsessive self.
So - it might be ridiculous to you and it might potentially be very embarrassing for me. I was surprised to find that as I was getting ready to leave the office for my flight to Shanghai, my ex-crush walked into the office with his suitcase. After chatting with his new associate for a while (he interestingly hired someone who is from the west coast and went to the same graduate school as my undergrad and also studied in Europe), he left with his suitcase. I knew it was not appropriate for me to go to the airport with him. I had not talked to him for months, alas. I did however, find the in me a surging desire to follow him. I did.
Ten minutes after he left (I waited), I managed to clean up and move toward the airport. I wanted to see him outside. I knew it was a conflicting emotion, one wanting to see him pulled by a very basic instinct of sexual attraction, and another the desire for self-control. I know my emotion has not been the most trained animal on the block and I wanted to tame it in order to have a good life. Letting me follow attraction is not a good idea. When I talked about him and many other crushes after all, friends often ask if I actually slept with him. I know it is ridiculous.
When I got to the airport, my flight gate was not yet assigned. I was left with time to kill and knew I couldn't help myself but to find out the gates for other more expensive flights leaving for Shanghai. I found Dragonair and had a hunch that his flights would leave from there. I went there. I looked around. And as I was leaving, I ran into him. He had headphones on as always and I waved and stopped him. He was calm and collected. I was too. But then I have no idea what the undertone really is like. I greeted him and asked if he was going to Shanghai. He asked if I was going to 504. I said no. My gate has changed and I don't know what my new gate is yet. He left. I wonder what he thought. Did it seem obvious that I was lying and would he have any inkling that I was stalking him? He must have some sense of my obsession, not that it bothers him or that he particularly cares.
I am relieved now that I did see him and that now I can start my two weeks without him in Shanghai. All is well.
On a different note, I am very interested in brushing up my flirtation skills. It is so useful and the subtlety can loosen up any situation and why not wield the feminine power? It makes life more fun definitely. It can help my obsessive nature. It puts me on the radar screen. Speaking, like writing, is an art. I not only need to know how to say the words with confidence, I also need to learn how to deliver the write message to the right person in the right way. Live with flair. For example, I thought about my supposed date yesterday. Why would the Frenchman tell me first about his lawsuit and not continue telling me what it is? Why use that as a bait for me to get to know him further? That definitely is an attractive trait and which female in her rightful mind would want to go out with someone just so he could reveal what his lawsuit is about in time? Age certainly did not help the Frenchman with the artful craft of speaking. I certainly need to brush up on that side.
No comments:
Post a Comment