The art of speaking and communicating

I think these days I am now back to my original goal of thinking before speaking.  After I came back to Hong Kong, I again was truthful in communicating my dissatisfaction of the place to those I meet.  It is a nice and convenient place but I feel it is not home.  Friends come and go but they are never that rooted.  A friend who tapped into my network has been meeting all my friends on my behalf annoyed me a bit.  Not only that, he has been talking negatively about me with my friends.  Oh, so and so also agreed with me, that you can be quite negative sometimes.  Oh, you could be like so and so.  Oh you are not really that social and interested in meeting people.  He says.  I tell you this because I know you can take it.

I think I need to filter my thoughts and what I say.  As we grow older, I find that everyone has an agenda to further his or her interest.  There is no pure interest in another person, even within a family.  People are all self-interested, especially when we roll out capitalism in the midst.  Words are like swords, they can spread love and hurt. Though they are invisible, they have lasting effects.  I see some less sophisticated friends that speak and ramble on with no clear purpose.  It shows one's intelligence and emotional intelligence to be able to send targeted messages to select people.  The art of conversation..

Met up with a lot of people and watched "Blue Jasmine" with an ex-colleague of mine.  It was a little depressing despite the great performance.  The top of the world to the bottom.  Hopefully in my climb through accumulated efforts I would never have to face that..

Maybe he's just not that into you..

I thought about why my crush has been just so utterly cold to me.  Besides being by nature a loner and a selfish person, I think he probably does not want to be dragged by his association with me.  He has done well in life and climbed out of the hole that life had placed him into.  He does not want to be at the same level professionally with a woman and he does not want a friend who is still lower than him in compensation and position.  And he does not want to be giving any false to an older woman when all he wants are young and pretty playthings around.

I have been quiet since coming back.  The office's cold atmosphere makes me want to cry everyday.  I have been keeping things to myself.  Being with myself is the safest.  It takes no extra energy and no extra guessing game about who to trust, who to confide in.  Saying too much makes one make mistakes that one would be able to avoid if keeping silent.

Everyone goes back to a family, with those they can spend time with.  I go back to a place by myself.  I just want peace and time to build my next path - I don't want to be inundated with sounds and things and activities that can attract with my inner peace.  I am doing yoga everyday now.  It has been good.

I saw the private equity girl who used to circle around in the bathroom today putting on makeup and going out hunting presumably.  I felt cold around her and did not stop to say hello.  There is no need.  I am keeping all my time and energy to myself now.

And I did meet someone at the airport

Surprisingly enough I did meet someone at the airport, as I had been keeping my eyes open.  I bumped into my HK crush on the same flight.  I was on the phone when we were lining up for the flight but went over and tapped him on the shoulder.  I then went to the end of the line and waited, continuing my conversation with my uncle.  When walking past his row on the plane, I asked how come hes's not choosing first class.  He said no.

I wondered if I would see him after the flight landed but he went off by himself.  This is after not being in Hong Kong for three weeks.  I guess he's just not interested in forming a normal friendship.  Maybe that's the best.  Is this God's prayer being answered actually?  Who else will I meet who is available and attractive and reciprocal in this trip?

The prayer group saw through it all

My second Bible study group today was better than the last one.  First, two new guys joined group, making the male and female ration much better.  Even though they are either attached or married it didn't matter, since just having guys there changes the energy level.  There are guys out there still, it tells me.

I kept on asking hard questions as always.  Last time I drilled the leader on why God would plant that forbidden tree there if he really loves man and wants to walk with him.  Why trick man at all?  The leader kept on answering that it is because he's God and he could do what he pleased.  If she asked me not to look into the bathroom cabinet, would I?  That answer was not satisfactory for me obviously.  I prodded further.  I needed an answer and not blindly trust the assumption just because it supposedly came from God.  Today, I similarly wanted to ask why God chose Abram as the one.  Because he is God, I was told.  The first question I asked last week had a good feedback from the pastor though.  She told me that God put the tree there so man could choose.  Instead of a blind love, man could choose to love him by not eating from the tree.  That was a breakthrough thinking.

When prayer session came, the American woman leading the group prayed for me.  She said who knows who I will meet, in the airport, at work etc.  I did not even tell her that I am single and am searching, yet somehow the older woman sensed it.  What magic.  I hope the same vibe could carry me through finding a partner.

I'm a little sad

I think becoming older and realizing my place in the world makes me just a bit sad.  As the weather is getting chillier, it dampens my spirit to a degree.

Off to Hong Kong this weekend.  I wonder if I'd be meeting more people this time.  Splitting time definitely puts me in a better psychological state to meet more people, being more curious and calm.

I saw that my old love posted a picture of him and his young girlfriend on facebook.  They look happy. I wonder if I'd ever meet my partner.

Too many girls..

The latest social events I attend, a Bible study group last weekend and today's meetup event that centers around a TED topic.  In my Bible study group, other than the American couple who was the organizer and the pastor, the rest were all young girls.  There were two English guys at the group, but it was not long before they revealed that they came with their Chinese significant half in the group.  Both had strange accents.  Their Chinese halves were very Chinese.

Out of my busy schedule, I also dropped at the TED event meetup tonight.  I only stayed for 10 minutes before leaving.  A few young foreigner guys were surrounded by many local girls trying hard to be international.  It wasn't that fun.  I think i liked the Dine out event more where there were older and more mature people going.

Anyway, no pain no gain.  I try to keep a good attitude to enjoy life as it is.  My left side of the brain tells me that the statistics are against me.  There simply aren't that many great guys that have good jobs.  If they do, they'd already be followed by many feminine girls and at least half of them would want to validate their accomplishments by going for the model types.  But anyway, those factors are beyond my control.

It will be good to see my parents finally tomorrow.  Days are getting a bit colder now and I am feeling a bit down at moments.  I started doing the half half six months ago, and so far I still haven't found my love.

A golden age in Shanghai

Most of the people I talk to in Shanghai are hopeful.  They range from the Syrian guy who bought my old bed.  He just moved from Korea and working as a designer in commercial or advertising venture and said Shanghai is the place to be.  Expats who stayed for a few years in the church I am attending also had good things to say about Shanghai.

Last night a Guangxi girl who sat next to me at a meetup event told me that after the financial crisis, all sorts of foreigners started moving to China and Shanghai started having a renewed international energy. In contrast,  she has heard from others say that because Hong Kong opened up much earlier, it has already formed groups of people, expats, local Cantonese, and others like the mainlanders.  I agree that Shanghai's social scene is a lot more mixed and interesting.  "It is the golden age in Shanghai,"  she tells me.  And indeed.  One could easily miss it.

I think thinking about work condition in Hong Kong makes me more unhappy and stressful.  Sitting in that cube everyday is a lot like going to a jail cell where people become separated and anti-social.  And the coldness from my crush doesn't help either.

Weather here is getting a bit colder now though.  That part of Hong Kong, in addition to the buzz I do miss.  One more week and I shall return to Hong Kong.  In the meantime, I have successfully rented out my Shanghai apartment to my first guest.  Hope this city-hopping continue to work out for me.  I am meeting a lot more people in Shanghai and find it reinvigorating.