Mundane life in chicken coup

Back to Hong Kong office this Monday and mostly feeling quite depressed.  The office is just dead silent as usual and no one was there to greet you.  No one acted as if they saw you.  Everyone just quietly typing away, be it useless reports or facebook entries.  And right here and right now, blogspot entries. I got increasingly annoyed at my Chinese crush after I got back.  I remembered all the occasions when he slighted me.  The fact that he either does not have the social decency or the etiquette to even greet me after I've been gone for two weeks just makes him not worth my time.  I can see it more clearly now.  Distance sometimes gives the best clarity.  I still appreciate his character, but somehow I think I am nowhere in his concerns.  I will just give it up now.  When I was leaving work on Monday, I bumped into him and then just turned the other way.

The way we sit so close together remind me of chickens in a tight living quarter.  What fate await us all?

I am getting a few headhunter calls about positions available on the market.  It is time for me to leave the Chinese bank now I think.  I think I will miss it.  But career moves on and my friend has a point that I can't just wait for love.  I have to go for the next thing while I am at it.  A big bank now has an open spot right now.  I hope I get a chance at that spot.

My old affair will attend a friend's wedding in June in Cali with his new girlfriend.  It will be another test of character at least, in the name of finding a potential mate.  I just hope I will be socially graceful, look hot and not cry when I am there.

Still discovering

Almost two weeks into living and working in Shanghai, I can say that I am still enjoying it. The long daily commute still bears with it a freshness, an experience that I liken to swimming in an ocean of people. I feel a strong curiosity to understand people, what they think and feel. I get excited by every conversation I come across on the subway, how the events of everyday life affect the thoughts and action of everyday people.

I am also quite active after work, meeting different friends and acquaintances, many I have either met back in school or those I met in Hong Kong now transplanted back to Shanghai. They are all very trustworthy people to me, those I can count on in times of need. The expats I come across at meetup events all seem to be struggling compared to the ones in Hong Kong. This is after all a Chinese society, and the foreigners are more or less marginalized, no one really holding high-powered executive jobs, only those on their temporary stop here in the process of finding themselves. Here, I feel most comfortable learning about being Chinese.

I have also booked a dinner at a high end local restaurant called 1088 for my dad's birthday Friday. It will be a worthwhile occasion. Mine is next Monday.

On a side note, I picked up a puppy on the side of the road one night and brought it home. Mom seems very cold and wanted to get rid of it. It is sweet though and I wish they can like it and allow it into the house.

Got onto VPN. Avoided avian flu. Enjoying days back in shanghai.

More than a week into living in Shanghai, I finally managed to get onto my VPN and report my satisfactory process in sinking myself into the city life and discovering all its charm. I find myself here. The nostalgic feeling that I refused to acknowledge for so long, the faded memories, the ties people have with each other and the land that any book or China expert would not be able to convey. It is that feeling, it came back.

I am traveling a total of an hour and 45 minutes to get to work but so far it has been working out rather well. I doze off on the train and am now used to the trains. I like people's practicality, but I am sure part of the fun came from the newness. I get to experience all the best parts of the city without ever having to pay the price of actually living there. Life is not easy. I think besides pollution and unknown quality of food, commute time and the quality of expats and jobs are the other concerns.

I have been attending quite a few meetup events and meeting up with a few alumni as well as new friends in town. I like the down to earth connections people have with each other. Most people I can count on as more reliable and long term friends. People care and I am learning a lot more here. I also went clubbing at m1nt on Saturday. It was nice to get out.

Anyway, I would like to make shanghai a regular getaway place whenever I can. It needs to be one of my bases.

Ready to go

I'm almost all packed up now and just realized that I won't really have blog access while in Shanghai.  So I guess it will be a long hiatus friends.  I will try to see if there are VPN services.  I may go stay at my friend's place in a week.  In the meantime, I'd like to see if I can commute from home.  It will be a very domestic experience.

The more I think about my situation, the more I think I need to find an alternative income source.  My industry is very volatile and all these people once they lose their job can remain so for a year or two, and some not ever getting back into the game.  I don't know how that feels like and averaging out most people don't really make that much.  It's been a bad few years and averaging out I really just have an industry pay.  Plus, there all that risk of being fired with no job for a while.

I do appreciate the freedom I have right now to work from the Shanghai office.  I can cool my mind and get out of the race to think more about what it is I should do next.

"How can a woman be the head?"

Thursday night I was at work working on a few leftover tasks before heading off to my long break.  To my surprise, my coworker came back at 7pm or so in a suit.  I asked him what he's been up to so late, he told me he was meeting with the visiting heads of the main bank.  I asked if it is the middle-aged woman that is the head, who came by in the afternoon and was introduced as such.  He said no.  "Of course not.  How could a woman be the head of the bank?"

I said you can't think like that.  He said he doesn't think like that, but the world is like that.  I said I know you do think like that. 

Anyway, I think he's exhausted all the hurtful things now.  I don't know what his intentions are.  He went back to his desk and said that he's bad.  I said you can just blame your parents cause you're born bad.  I asked where he's going with his suitcase.  He said he has not decided yet.  I said I know he just wants to be mysterious.  Maybe he's going to Macau, he said.  Would I call the police if he doesn't come back? he said mischievously.  

I need to cleanse myself and behave normally with him around.  Breathe deep think deep. 

I met up with an alumni I met up with six months back for dinner at the new hip place "Three Monkeys" on Hollywood Rd.  He's actually working in New York right now.  He told me about the beautiful people he meets there.  He thinks (probably correctly) that there is more wealth there and the investment managers are more sophisticated.  Everyone wants to make it there. There is more of a buzz there and people think differently.  We all agree though that Hong Kong has more to offer than San Francisco.  He thinks I'd enjoy it there.  He's three years younger than me but I kind of enjoyed being with him.  I can see that I wouldn't mind dating someone younger.  One has more energy and more to look forward to.  

A good friend of mine is getting married and I just found out to a woman three years younger.  He is ok with that knows quite a few couples like that.  I think maybe I should not be so hung up on the age thing.  There are those younger but more mature.  It is just more important to pass good times together. 

Officially the rudest person ever

I asked my friend in sales, a Taiwanese American girl from Cali to tea yesterday.  When we bumped into my guy in the elevator, he again only acknowledged her and nodded and smiled to her and ignored me completely.  I think the only time that happened before was when a racist Aussie manager walked by in my old work place and did not say hi back when I said hi.  Maybe my brother?  He's never into acknowledging me.  But that's it.

This is again not the first time this happened.  How foolish I was in thinking he could be a good mentor, a good friend, etc?  This is someone that clearly has psychological issues, someone uncomfortable in his own skin, the kind of nouveau riche that needs to validate himself by hurting others.

Half a day later...(to continue)
Anyway, that is that.  I  really need to get a life.  This afternoon I talked to him the first time in months.  God it's pathetic.  I overheard him talking to his ex-colleague about his ex-boss leaving the bank.  He was kind and professional when talking to her, and not the usual flirting he does with the aggressive girls that come up. I was again taken and tested water by asking if his boss left and if he's going to take over his spot.  But again, talking to him made me high.  I could not contain the enthusiasm I naturally felt and exuded that over to everyone around me.  It seems weird how from being utterly bored during lunch and a few hours later I could experience such mood swing by exchanging just one sentence.. but most importantly, I really really need to keep it to myself.  How can I just blindly display emotion like this?

Ok Shanghai here I come.  I really look forward to it.  Ah...

I also spent the night at the Indian guy's place last night.  He's actually pretty nice, though he did not come on to me during the night like others normally do.  Maybe he's not that interested.  We talked for like an hour before we got it on.  He's actually very interesting, patient and kind.  I think I can be with someone like that.  He is smart and worked in good companies in New York and Hong Kong and has a very mature way of looking at the world.  He is reasonable and can stand my emotional upheaval and is not threatened about me being a bit achievement oriented.

But then again, it might all be in my head and that imaginary world that is detached from reality......But for the moment, it brings me happiness.

Practice restraint

I am in the midst of earnings season and working late, the thought of that small bonus makes one mad and demotivated.  I know I have a long career ahead of me and that I am not uncomfortable right now, but still... 

In any case, I think it is important to practice restraint.  My friend echoed a line in a famous movie that I can't recall right now, "You want the truth?  You can't handle the truth!"  Indeed, I have been blamed by a friend that I tell him the truth and he'd cry at home. Trapped in a job in banking that is going nowhere and paying little, I told him that he should think about something else.  It is also obvious to me and everyone else that he does not have the ambition and the resolve to make it very far even if he is handed a more senior position and honest in this market, his only chance is probably going to come when there is another bull market.  There does not seem like one any time soon and he is likely going to be 'killed' b才是y the industry before that arrives.  He somehow knew this but he did not want to hear any of it.  

But then what is the point of having friends if they cannot tell you the truth?  So many people display so much false politeness and courtesy and yet feel nothing for one, isn't that a waste of time?  I appreciate real friendship that one can depend on, one that you can tell that person how you feel and benefit from it, ones who can take risk and step outside of the normal comfort zone and let you know what to do.  

I want to keep a few of these friends and then also be able to hold my thoughts in and selectively tell others.  I think I am naturally trusting and curious, but I realize that it is always better to hold it in, particularly in Asia.  This way I won't inadvertently step on someone's toes or lose those key points that could help you by letting others know those details about yourself.  It is also more fun.  Talking and interacting with others is a skill and needs to be honed and practiced.  I shall work on it. 

I also spent the last couple of days meeting up with my ex love from SF.  He always has a lot of resolve.  Although he is already married with a kid, I feel I could still talk to him all the time.  I trust him though do not lust for him.  He could always lend an ear and listen and give reasonable feedback.  I often struggle with whether or not to move back to SF. But more and more I think I'd just stay here.  There is just so much going on here and it is hard to pull away from the madness and the excitement.  The center of the world is shifting so how can one just leave when the music is still playing?  I could find a guy back in the US but who's to ensure that the love and marriage would last?  

The young girl at work still comes by the desk of my Chinese crush (yes I know it's getting old, errr).  I no longer like him but then there is all that remnant feeling of spending so much time thinking about him.  She would smile and then ask him to ask her out for a meal.  When he was indecisive, she'd then lower her voice and whisper.  Recently there was a few people getting together to order books from mainland China and shipped them to the office.  There was one that stuck out "Flirting and playing with guys should be the actual serious thing to do" (泡男人才是正经事).  I was surprised at how aggressive this girl can be and how determined she is.  I'd rather walk away.  He remotely toying with idea of being with her just turns me off.  I don't like sitting next to a guy who is like that though.  He is selfish and hardly thinks of others.  I should be lucky if he doesn't come attacking me just for the thrill of the competition - how could I be so foolish to think he'd be my soul mate?  Again, practicing restraint sitting next to all that nonsense is important. 

I am going to spend the first two weeks of April in Shanghai and the last week in San Francisco.  I am looking forward to it.