A miserable start to the year of snake

Working in finance in Hong Kong means that every year end you invariably anxiously await the announcement of a bonus.  It is in fact part of the reason why we are all here.  Being an optimist, I always have high hopes for "a decent amount."  Late last night, I was communicated a number that shocked me.  In all the years I have worked in the industry, I have never gotten anything remotely close, even in the first year when I contributed nothing to the firm.  In effect, my bonus came out to be about 6%.  I was angry and upset.  After talking to my ex in San Francisco however, he calmed me down.  It is a mercenary trade and I should not be feeling a sense of attachment that I often feel with the places that I work at.  Just move on.  It is what it is - it has all been decided on.  I did confront the HR head afterwards and vented.  Are they all saving the money for those with guarantees?  Well what do I expect?  Everyone's situation is different.  For whatever reason, guys who matter at the firm don't like me.  Maybe I talk too much.

This gives me more reason to change my situation.  I realize that the safe and relaxed atmosphere in a Chinese bank is not the long-term solution.  If nothing else, the lack of financial reward while working in financial industry is reason enough to try one's luck in the big bad world.  Life is never easy... you only live once.

I feel like things are a bit stacked against a girl in her career.  In a Chinese TV drama I'm watching, an obnoxious guy who is the competitor to a female corporate woman told her, "Leave the business to the guys.  A career can just as easily waste your best years as a bad guy."  But I cannot leave something that you've spent an entire life building.

Yes a new start this year.  I checked that the snake year is not good for my zodiac this year.  Maybe my new job would be something to look forward to? \

I saw my coworker in the lobby this morning along with a sales guy.  He waved and said hello to him and ignored me like he does recently.  Is it because I'm a woman?  Is it because he despises me?  Is it because I did not concede to him and his power/intelligence as an Asian/Chinese guy expects?  Anyway, love and hate are just two sides of the same coin, so easily flipped from one to another.  I shall try to reign in my feelings this year.  If I don't get anything out of working in a Chinese bank, the practice of being stoic is definitely useful...

Dealing with young girls and boys

Last night I checked out David Hirst (the most successful living artist - most money earned that is)'s exhibit at White Cube.  I have to admit that I didn't know the guy before, but apparently he is ultra famous. The exhibit was attended by lots of posh looking white people - meaning mostly Europeans that look thin and stylish.  I actually felt like I was entering the set of "Match Point."  Except of course I am no Scarlett Johansson.  Moneyed class definitely has it good.  Live with style and freedom.  It doesn't buy you happiness, but then lack of it doesn't is no better for sure.

Coming back to the main point - young people, especially girls.  I went to an energy get-together in town afterwards and among other young people, met a younger Asian girl.  When I asked if she's from here, she responded adamantly back - do I look like I'm from here?  Well, you look Asian right?  I said.  She's from the States I guess but speak Cantonese (so obviously she has family ties to Hong Kong to say the least), but her pompous behavior and mindless conversation makes me wonder if she has more substance than claiming that she's not from here.

All that fake confidence from the youth.  Another younger guy from the States wanted to network but did so so awkwardly.  They just want to blow themselves up, acting like they are the shit when they are just really quite ordinary and with no real talent, going to lead to nowhere as well.  I began to appreciate my mainland juniors at work, who tend to be more restrained and less flamboyant.

Then today, another young girl I met with who was from a headhunting firm that called me up to see if I would be interested in an asset management role.  I hated responding to her questions. Who are my clients, etc etc.  I felt slightly insulted to be questioned by a younger counterpart assuming a more authoritative role.  They just don't get it.  When when you don't get it, you should be humble and show some respect to those who do.  I'd rather walk away from a job than dealing with those who are the feel-so-sexy-about-myself types.  It's part of the American and young people mentality, to blow up one's self more than you are, to show self-confidence, to respond the standard way to mindless interview questions.  But then that came from the legacy of living in a new and growing country where bravado is rewarded.  Elsewhere around the world, a little bit of tact is needed as you are dealing with a very populated place with complex relationships.  Perhaps a bit more empathy would help.

As to the other young girl, the one who has been circling around my crush at work, I found out today was the secretary of a very senior guy in the company - the one with the ultimate say.  I can see why my crush, being the more savvy person that he is, would want to exploit this relationship and whatever relationship she was born into.

About Indian and Interest in writing

So yes, first of all, I have to note that I have changed the name of this post from '100 dates' to 'musings from Hong Kong.'  I think this perhaps best describes the content of my blog and my intention.  To be solely focused pursuing dates or guys seems rather crude.  I'd rather live a life of meaning than following a life set up by society's convention.

As for the Indian theme..

The fit Indian boy came by again last night.  Since I was almost passed out the night before when he came, I thought I should finish the job.  I asked him before where he graduated, is it IIT or IIM, and interestingly enough, he said IIM.  For me, I think it is healthy to be with someone, whether or not I really know him.  It is part of life.  He was kind and a good companion.  We have some good conversations.  I think it is a good distraction from being fixated about another impossible target at work.  Besides, being with someone takes a bit of skills, and not meeting that someone you want to be with can make your skills rusty so that you might not even be able to be with that special someone when you actually meet him.

This morning I watched "Life of Pi," a movie I downloaded onto my computer.  It seems so easy to download whatever movie I want onto my laptop and then show them on my big screen TV at home.  So much better than going and finding selections from the local video store.  What's more, I am interested a lot of the old artsie movies and there is no better way to access them online in the absence of Netflix and good selection of videos here.

I guess that's sort of my Indian theme. :)  There is an understanding with the guy that I am not interested in getting into the too-cultural territory of Indians, when the too-cultural side of China is already a lot to bear.  I asked him if he is interested in an arranged marriage.  He said he's not opposed to it but he needs to meet a girl a few times there before saying yes, but flights are far.  Well, at least it is only six hours compared to the 15 hours I have to bear going to the US should I tap that market. I guess at the end of the day everyone almost has to deal with the same issues.

Writing..

So I have always had an interest in writing, and perhaps that makes use of my overflowing feelings.  It has always made me feel more alive when I was younger, writing pen pal letters to those near and far.  The coffee with the Italian lawyer/writer here the day before yesterday has made me realize that writing is in fact doable.  It is a product of labor and discipline, but then there is a project to work on.  I read that Yann Martel wrote "Life of Pi" to find direction in life.  It truly can.  I also enjoy keeping this blog, though the audience is tiny.  Just sorts out one's life a bit more.

I think I will actually delve into a writing project soon, whether it'd be a fiction or non-fiction work, whether related to my current job or not.  At the end of the day, not all books are commercial, but it is something that you can pass on to future generations, something that sits rather than tossed to the garbage cans or dissolve into thin air.  It is something that can remind you of the effort and thoughts that were injected into it.

Valentine's day plane ride and a coffee in Hong Kong leading me to

Ok first of all, I'm pretty drunk right now.  I just finished having two drinks with a competitor in my space in a semi-bulge bracket in a different firm with similar background as me. He recommended to the Head of Research of a bulge bracket that I join as the lead analyst because he is tied up with his gig.  I like him.  He's one of the rare personalities on the street, and with the similar Chinese upbringing in a middle of America experience.

I wanted to go back to work on the excuse of being drunk and confront the Chinese guy of my crush.  He went to lunch with that younger Private equity girl today like always and I wanted to tell him off.. According to the Cantonese tradition, the married people give lyceees, or red pockets filled with money, to unmarried single people during Chinese New Year.  Him being married and secretive about it, received a few red packets from colleagues, most of them more junior and earn less money than him.  Why the heck does his dishonesty gets rewarded?  Because people think he's single?  I think love sometimes turns into hate very quickly.  I wish I could have met him after getting drunk today to confront him.   But in any case, it didn't happen.  He was long gone after I returned to work past 9pm.

In the afternoon I met up with someone who attended the executive program at my college.  She's an Italian lady who recently wrote a few books on how to make it etc. and women in leadership.  She somehow told me that Hong Kong is not the place for meeting someone.  The people she knew who wanted to meet someone moved away from Hong Kong, mostly to Europe.  How could this be?  All these people telling me to move away.  But then what?  I don't even know.  Maybe I'm destined to be a single childless overachiever?  Everyone's got his or her path right?  What is mine?  She's going to deliver her book to my office tomorrow, maybe I'll see if it is anything other than a publicity stunt.  She did mention that people in my age bracket is especially hard, cause most men in their 35-40 range are already married.  Fuck this.  All I get is negative feedback, perhaps realistic, from the world.  What about love and compatibility?  She being 38, said echoed the view that love has little to do with  being together after marriage.  But how can you skip love for such an important thing?

Then again, on the career front, there is possibly a bulge bracket or equivalent opening this year.  Not sure if I'd go for that jump.  It is nice to work in the same community where clients and enemies alike know you, but then I'd take the risk if I'm really after money and platform.

To love.. I drink to this.  I just texted the fit Indian guy that I knew before and see if we could work something out tonight.  He texted me while I was in Vegas to see if we could together.

Before I go, I should note that the Vegas trip has been very interesting.  I came back on the same plane as an LA executive in Entertainment business.  He sat next to me for fifteen hours and talked about his life.  Seemed he was laid off from his job that he held for 25 years in Hollywood and got a severance package.  From there, he became a writer (wrote a book on career advice for young adults) and created a few youtube videos.  The more interesting part for me was how he became much more entrepreneurial then.  He worked for himself with a few projects.  After five years though, he wanted to have a job back.  He was never able to make enough from his ventures to sustain himself.  He wanted back.  This is after his boss of 23 years ditched him.  I can imagine how hard it can be really run a successful business.

To 2013 here we come.  I will love this year.  Will live it to the fullest.  I love you.

Life is easy here or there?

As my trip in the US draws to a close, I have to say that life is pretty easy here.  There is no immediate signs of threat here.  You can go on living your life undisturbed and not see more than ten people in a week if you want to.  There is a lot of time for independent thought, to find one's spiritual calling.  Things are relatively easy.  I could get everything I want in the outlet shops and big Costco and Walmart - Yes that is a middle-class life that I was bored of, but after a few days where I could find everything I possibly want at a price that is dirt cheap (certainly compared with Hong Kong), I am kind of sold.

At the same time, Hong Kong is super easy as well.  I could walk to everywhere I need to go.  Commute is only less than 15 minutes and I could meet almost any friend for lunch or dinner at a moment's notice.  Then comes family.  Those with small kids are often self-congratulatory on making the decision to stay in Hong Kong, where maid service from neighboring Philippines, Laos and Burma allow them to raise kids rather effortlessly.  Others though, complain about the exorbitant cost of schooling and pressure to do well.  True, could one really become a world class athlete or actress or something other than an investment banker or taking over one's own family business with the school foundation in Hong Kong?  I'm not so sure.

Food for thought.

Getting along with dad is not easy.  Lately I have had to deal with his various temper tantrum.  Mostly though, our relationship improved with investment topics to talk about.  He said that I am lazy and mean.  I think that's probably true.  I am not a very self-disciplined person and by nature of work I respond to people's comments rather quickly and sometimes abrasively.  I need to work on that.  Be more patient and tolerant.  Leave a bit of room for others.  That will help me in dealing with people, whether it'd be a future lover or with just those I care about around me.

Money and Sex - When has it ever been any different?

I've almost been in the States for a week now, first at an old friend's place in LA and the last few days in Vegas.  It is at first a bit unsettling how quiet it can get here, and going from the hustle and bustle of everyday life in a major metropolitan city to the slow pace of daily life in town-ish places can be a shock to the system.

I no longer feel the same about the place I grew up.  It would take a big effort for me to readjust to the life here.  I remembered how bored I grew a few years into my career and needed stimulation and surprises in life.  I want to see what I can do in this world.  Perhaps it's an ingrown sense of ambition fueled by an immigrant family, or perhaps it is that wild adventurous side of me that grew unchecked over the years, I thirst for life, improvement, change.  I need security and it is something that I always felt a bit lacking.  

My friend advised me to talk less about money and about my relationship status.  Yet that is what matters in our lives isn't it.  Now that I live in Hong Kong, those things matter so much more.  Quoting from the business book I'm reading right now "The Last Tycoons: The secret history of Lazard Freres," "It is about money and sex, when has it ever been any different?"  I think I can explain much of how the world works by it.  I can turn a blind eye to it, but it is all around us.  I do however, need to practice putting forward a diplomatic and civil face, one that pleases mildly and not offend others.

I bought tickets to David Copperfield tonight and invited my dad.  I thought the show was enjoyable but not as much as Cris Angel, another magician that I saw here when I visited a year and half ago.  He's a good looking guy though, but probably at 56, outstretched his career a bit too much.  He is not as engaging and energetic as Cris Angel, and probably just free-riding on his former glory of an established name.  My dad commented so and said he earns so much more than the guys he employs to run his stage and that there is a time to make one's money and fame...  True indeed.  

I thought about my coworker a lot - a futile effort indeed.  I get mad and sad at the same time thinking how rudely he acts sometimes and how he'd be soon united with his wife.  It's Valentine's day coming up.  My Chicago ex is going skiing with the new flight attendant woman who's his neighbor.  Proximity trumps all else I guess.  I will be alone.  Good thing is I will be flying on Valentine's day.  A day spent with all strangers over the Pacific Ocean on Valentine's day seems swell enough.  

27-Year-Old Flight Attendant

Cliche isn't it.  Well but then that's exactly what my ex-affair guy is dating right now I found out.  I looked her up on facebook and she's pretty and fits exactly the type that the bankers look for.  Young, flexible job, good housewife material.  Not that I wouldn't have picked the same if I were in the same shoe.

27.  That was when I first fell for the guy who said he was in love with me.  And 7 years later, he got a divorce and again went for another 27-year-old.  I don't dispute the choice.  But somehow I feel a bit down.  I am no longer 27.  I can no longer have all the hopes and dreams and the idealism of the 27-year-old.  Moving on.  He divorced his wife who's older than him, like 40 and now going after 27 year old.  This is so much like my coworker, who's also 38, married someone older, and probably will go for someone who's 27,  like the young girl from another department circling around him.  My ex from San Francisco also married someone 25 or 27 when he was 38.  My brother, 25 when he was 38.  In the big picture, I am over my prime.  While fantasizing, while stuck in inertia, while trying to keep my job in finance so my lifelong pursuit of something better would bear fruit, I said goodbye to my prime.  Those I had crush on, those I loved, have already moved on to the next generation of women.

Trying not to be bitter about it.  My natural state always comes with a touch of abrasive quality as I've been told.

What similarities between my two ex-crushes.  Same age, same birthday month, same wife type etc.

And the 27-year-old flight attendant also shares the same birthday as him.  A match made in heaven.

The fact that this happened in the States and not in Asia also gave me comfort, knowing that men are all the same.