Finding myself in Shanghai

I am sitting in a coffee shop near my Shangahi apartment, after a leisure day of researching properties in Hawaii, yoga practice, and lunch and dinner of wontons.  I can really say that after 10 days of being in the city, my spirit and my soul are back in place.  I am back in my element.

I am not sure whether it is because my old Shanghainese friend's visit and stay with me the week before Shanghai had made me agitated and brought out hidden emotions, but the last few days in Hong Kong made me very agitated.  I felt like ants on the lid of a hot pot, to quote a Chinese saying.  I did all that I should be doing, attending all the birthday drinks and network events, but in the end I felt more frustrated than ever.  People are mostly superficial, and the city has become ever more crowded.  People just move about like they are wound up to move about in their little world.

It's nice to be home.  I can be moving forward from this point, but I am happy I have found that spot in the world to call home in the meantime.

Emotionally stronger

I am getting quite neurotic these days.  A friend is staying with me, returning to Hong Kong after a year away in London.  We are now looking at Hong Kong with renewed eyes and I have an increasing feeling growing inside of me that I need to leave this city.  I am getting quite depressed.  Work has become ever more unbearable with how cold people are to each other, how no one cares about me.

I still have my heart hung on the strategist. When I saw his coat on his chair today in the morning after being gone for a long while, I was hoping that I would gather enough courage to say hi to him.  Instead, the next thing I know, he walked by without greeting me and I saw him waiting for the elevator with that private equity girl.  She looked happy.  I was feeling devastated.

Meaningless activities one after another.  I think this year I will make a major change.  I plan to leave the job altogether by mid-year and meanwhile, I am planning to go to Shanghai and not come back for a while.  Meaning, no more half half. It should just be one place.

 I need to find peace with my mind and spirit.  That is the most important thing.  My decade in Hong Kong shall draw to a close in 2014.  Happy year of the horse!

A new step

Looking back, it had been a year since I started the blog, hoping that I could meet that special someone through methodical determination.  A year later, nothing.  I am however, spending half of my time in Shanghai and liking the change in environment.  Though I am in Hong Kong right now.  I like the warmer weather.

Carpetbaggers and Chinese locusts

I had lunch with an old college friend who moved to Hong Kong in the past year.  A young Chinese transplant like myself, she grew up in New York and works in media.  A very headstrong girl.  Though it can get annoying at times, I am nonetheless interested to see the world from her perspectives.

She is a go-getter and made it a goal to find a boy marry him and have a kid all in the span of one year. She achieved it, along with a few of my other friends.  She recommended that Atlantic Monthly article "Marry him!" in 2008 that argued for settling.

When the conversation went to a more practical point, I said that I got what I needed from Hong Kong, that being citizenship and a house.  To any financier, that would be practical and correct.  My girlfriend cringed however and said that I sounded like a carpetbagger, or exactly like those Chinese locusts.

Do I? Isn't all that true in what I said?  Everyone's in some place for something right?  Like people move to the States to get a green card and make money, people move to New York to make it, etc, etc.  Of course, I won't bring up that I learned a lot and matured through the experience, but aren't we all enslaved in some way in society and striving for that next goal?  Am I too jaded or is she too idealistic?

In the evening time, despite the rain, I went to visit a local care group, or Bible Study group in Hong Kong.  The couple's home was in Tin Hau and a very good part of it.  I arrived all wet from walking uphill in the rain and they were surprised to see me.  The woman told me that their yearly sessions were already over but invited me in for tea and gave me an umbrella afterwards.  Their big house had five cats roaming about and gave me an instant feeling of home.  If I were living like them, of course I'd like Hong Kong!  The older guy told me that he was born in Shanghai but grew up in Hong Kong and his son having gone to Deerfield Academy, a premier boarding school in the US, now studies at Yale and is a swimmer there.  They are in fact leaving for San Francisco to meet up with him this holiday season.  An ideal life in Hong Kong indeed.

The back and forth

I escaped the smog in Shanghai, having experienced a terrible day last Friday in a mostly dreamlike cloud atmosphere, except your throat and your eyes tell you that it is not really that great for you.  Back in Hong Kong.  I am happy that there is a deadline to it all.  I can be here, enjoy the air, enjoy the food, but next Friday I will be off again.  I still have the same feeling toward my crush, but I am so happy that I can be leaving it all.  I do not want my emotion and actions be restricted by the environment.  I know I would not have the will power to fight it, so escaping makes it all so much easier, like a permanent vacation.

So many things going on around us in the macro economic environment, and I have lost on the Rmb appreciation in addition to the scary property price appreciation.  I want to capture it.  I would very much like to buy that apartment, even if it means stretching it a bit.  A million USD.  That's how much a half decent two bedroom apartment would cost. I am scrambling to gather the 300k down payment.  I want a base there.  It gives me purpose.  I am doing something... rather than being trapped by a job, by people, by place.
Ten days...

Grandma and girlfriends

Two separate topics:

First, my grandmother passed away today. She was 88 or so.  I think the end of a life can involve quite a lot of suffering, and you can slowly wither away.  I hope she went smoothly and is now without suffering.

Girlfriends.  One of the local girls was quite aggressive in meeting my guy friends and we all went out for corporate lunch today.  I do feel threatened around these younger girls, though she may be a friend. Especially in China when I feel like they know they have more power and can be using it.

Resting in Maldives

I am resting in Maldives as we speak, trying to work on a few things for work.  The resort island is beautiful but also quite expensive.  Getting here on speedboat from the capital Male cost almost 200 US alone.  Add to that the meal plan etc.  I do need a break though.  For almost half a year, I have been shuttling between Hong Kong and Shanghai and lying next to the beach of a neutral place is a good break.  Come Monday I am off to Shanghai again.  The morning I get into Hong Kong and in the evening I am off.  

I think it will be a good change.  Somehow my experience in Hong Kong has been deteriorating.  After all these years, it is a pity that it is still not home.  I don't know what I can find elsewhere but we shall see.  The one thing I need to find to do is running a profitable business so I do not need to rely on work for all my attention span and all my possibilities in life.  "Man is born free but everywhere he is in chains,"  that's the age old philosophy that still rings true.  I want to be free from my chains and really live a spectacular life, a creative one, and a truthful one.  I hope I can.  

The art of speaking and communicating

I think these days I am now back to my original goal of thinking before speaking.  After I came back to Hong Kong, I again was truthful in communicating my dissatisfaction of the place to those I meet.  It is a nice and convenient place but I feel it is not home.  Friends come and go but they are never that rooted.  A friend who tapped into my network has been meeting all my friends on my behalf annoyed me a bit.  Not only that, he has been talking negatively about me with my friends.  Oh, so and so also agreed with me, that you can be quite negative sometimes.  Oh, you could be like so and so.  Oh you are not really that social and interested in meeting people.  He says.  I tell you this because I know you can take it.

I think I need to filter my thoughts and what I say.  As we grow older, I find that everyone has an agenda to further his or her interest.  There is no pure interest in another person, even within a family.  People are all self-interested, especially when we roll out capitalism in the midst.  Words are like swords, they can spread love and hurt. Though they are invisible, they have lasting effects.  I see some less sophisticated friends that speak and ramble on with no clear purpose.  It shows one's intelligence and emotional intelligence to be able to send targeted messages to select people.  The art of conversation..

Met up with a lot of people and watched "Blue Jasmine" with an ex-colleague of mine.  It was a little depressing despite the great performance.  The top of the world to the bottom.  Hopefully in my climb through accumulated efforts I would never have to face that..

Maybe he's just not that into you..

I thought about why my crush has been just so utterly cold to me.  Besides being by nature a loner and a selfish person, I think he probably does not want to be dragged by his association with me.  He has done well in life and climbed out of the hole that life had placed him into.  He does not want to be at the same level professionally with a woman and he does not want a friend who is still lower than him in compensation and position.  And he does not want to be giving any false to an older woman when all he wants are young and pretty playthings around.

I have been quiet since coming back.  The office's cold atmosphere makes me want to cry everyday.  I have been keeping things to myself.  Being with myself is the safest.  It takes no extra energy and no extra guessing game about who to trust, who to confide in.  Saying too much makes one make mistakes that one would be able to avoid if keeping silent.

Everyone goes back to a family, with those they can spend time with.  I go back to a place by myself.  I just want peace and time to build my next path - I don't want to be inundated with sounds and things and activities that can attract with my inner peace.  I am doing yoga everyday now.  It has been good.

I saw the private equity girl who used to circle around in the bathroom today putting on makeup and going out hunting presumably.  I felt cold around her and did not stop to say hello.  There is no need.  I am keeping all my time and energy to myself now.

And I did meet someone at the airport

Surprisingly enough I did meet someone at the airport, as I had been keeping my eyes open.  I bumped into my HK crush on the same flight.  I was on the phone when we were lining up for the flight but went over and tapped him on the shoulder.  I then went to the end of the line and waited, continuing my conversation with my uncle.  When walking past his row on the plane, I asked how come hes's not choosing first class.  He said no.

I wondered if I would see him after the flight landed but he went off by himself.  This is after not being in Hong Kong for three weeks.  I guess he's just not interested in forming a normal friendship.  Maybe that's the best.  Is this God's prayer being answered actually?  Who else will I meet who is available and attractive and reciprocal in this trip?

The prayer group saw through it all

My second Bible study group today was better than the last one.  First, two new guys joined group, making the male and female ration much better.  Even though they are either attached or married it didn't matter, since just having guys there changes the energy level.  There are guys out there still, it tells me.

I kept on asking hard questions as always.  Last time I drilled the leader on why God would plant that forbidden tree there if he really loves man and wants to walk with him.  Why trick man at all?  The leader kept on answering that it is because he's God and he could do what he pleased.  If she asked me not to look into the bathroom cabinet, would I?  That answer was not satisfactory for me obviously.  I prodded further.  I needed an answer and not blindly trust the assumption just because it supposedly came from God.  Today, I similarly wanted to ask why God chose Abram as the one.  Because he is God, I was told.  The first question I asked last week had a good feedback from the pastor though.  She told me that God put the tree there so man could choose.  Instead of a blind love, man could choose to love him by not eating from the tree.  That was a breakthrough thinking.

When prayer session came, the American woman leading the group prayed for me.  She said who knows who I will meet, in the airport, at work etc.  I did not even tell her that I am single and am searching, yet somehow the older woman sensed it.  What magic.  I hope the same vibe could carry me through finding a partner.

I'm a little sad

I think becoming older and realizing my place in the world makes me just a bit sad.  As the weather is getting chillier, it dampens my spirit to a degree.

Off to Hong Kong this weekend.  I wonder if I'd be meeting more people this time.  Splitting time definitely puts me in a better psychological state to meet more people, being more curious and calm.

I saw that my old love posted a picture of him and his young girlfriend on facebook.  They look happy. I wonder if I'd ever meet my partner.

Too many girls..

The latest social events I attend, a Bible study group last weekend and today's meetup event that centers around a TED topic.  In my Bible study group, other than the American couple who was the organizer and the pastor, the rest were all young girls.  There were two English guys at the group, but it was not long before they revealed that they came with their Chinese significant half in the group.  Both had strange accents.  Their Chinese halves were very Chinese.

Out of my busy schedule, I also dropped at the TED event meetup tonight.  I only stayed for 10 minutes before leaving.  A few young foreigner guys were surrounded by many local girls trying hard to be international.  It wasn't that fun.  I think i liked the Dine out event more where there were older and more mature people going.

Anyway, no pain no gain.  I try to keep a good attitude to enjoy life as it is.  My left side of the brain tells me that the statistics are against me.  There simply aren't that many great guys that have good jobs.  If they do, they'd already be followed by many feminine girls and at least half of them would want to validate their accomplishments by going for the model types.  But anyway, those factors are beyond my control.

It will be good to see my parents finally tomorrow.  Days are getting a bit colder now and I am feeling a bit down at moments.  I started doing the half half six months ago, and so far I still haven't found my love.

A golden age in Shanghai

Most of the people I talk to in Shanghai are hopeful.  They range from the Syrian guy who bought my old bed.  He just moved from Korea and working as a designer in commercial or advertising venture and said Shanghai is the place to be.  Expats who stayed for a few years in the church I am attending also had good things to say about Shanghai.

Last night a Guangxi girl who sat next to me at a meetup event told me that after the financial crisis, all sorts of foreigners started moving to China and Shanghai started having a renewed international energy. In contrast,  she has heard from others say that because Hong Kong opened up much earlier, it has already formed groups of people, expats, local Cantonese, and others like the mainlanders.  I agree that Shanghai's social scene is a lot more mixed and interesting.  "It is the golden age in Shanghai,"  she tells me.  And indeed.  One could easily miss it.

I think thinking about work condition in Hong Kong makes me more unhappy and stressful.  Sitting in that cube everyday is a lot like going to a jail cell where people become separated and anti-social.  And the coldness from my crush doesn't help either.

Weather here is getting a bit colder now though.  That part of Hong Kong, in addition to the buzz I do miss.  One more week and I shall return to Hong Kong.  In the meantime, I have successfully rented out my Shanghai apartment to my first guest.  Hope this city-hopping continue to work out for me.  I am meeting a lot more people in Shanghai and find it reinvigorating.

So good to be home.

It has been a while.  Almost a year since I decided to take on the project of keeping a journal to meet Mr. Right.  Nothing has happened since then but I did make a big step in renting out an apartment in Shanghai.  I feel good here.  After going back to Hong Kong last week, my mood had once again been dragged down.  I felt like I stayed in a prison cell with cell mates that could care less that I lived or died.
I also saw my crush walking on the street with his wife.  I don't really know the state of their relationship being separated for so many years.  Despite my outer nonchalance toward the matter and telling myself and friends that I have indeed moved on, I felt like crying when I saw them together.  I felt shaken.  I don't believe that he is a kind person.  But every person has a purpose in one's life.  He made me want to explore China more, he made me curious about a part of life and the world I ignored in the past.  His presence woke something in me.

I think I should make Shanghai a spot in my life at least, an important one.  I analyzed that there are quite a few reasons why this place should be the right choice right now:

1. Language and culture - no where I've been did I feel like I could access the entire population, local and foreign.  I speak the local language here and cannot be excluded from any group, white, black or Cantonese.

2.  Family - Family and friends have become increasingly important.  I am not sure how many years I can be with my core family and it is precious that I go home as much as possible.

3.  Women power - Women seem to have more of an equal power in Shanghai.  They are more outspoken and the men generally accept it and I was told they like it.

4. Business prospects. Though Hong Kong is more established as a financial center, all the actual businesses are in China.  Knowing China adds more credibility in a world where without it you would find work challenging. Also, it gives me the room and connection to think about other businesses and other parts of life.

5.  I am done with everywhere else.  After getting all my paper showing that not all of these years are for naught, I am now done with all the visible benefits of staying in Hong Kong that most people follow.  I have gone through all the people, through school and work and what not, it would only be fair for me to try something new in a new and developing land.

China these days... sigh

I guess I have been mostly disturbed by the news last week of a six year old boy who got his eyes gouged out by a stranger while playing.  This indeed is a horrific thought.  We all take our sight, and other bodily functions for granted somehow.  Yet this basic necessity can be taken from all of us, violently for some with no reason.  Although there is no clear background as to what really happened, was this from a crazy mental patient, someone who did this for organ trafficking, or as a revenge of an event that happened between adults (knowing that the child's aunt committed suicide by jumping into a well during the investigation).  Strangely enough, the child's sister also died from jumping into a well six years earlier.  This is turning out like plot from a horror drama.  I can only focus on my life and my surrounding.  Shit happens.  I guess he could have been hurt by some other ways, though this is really quite malicious.

Otherwise, plenty of news on the political scene.  It makes me being a researcher quite interesting.  I am kept in the loop of what is happening at the highest levels of a country/companies by doing what I do.  The characters involved and their rise and fall.. I wonder how much an individual really has control over his or her life.  Most of the time, you're already born into a circumstance, and your path is somewhat predetermined, from your projected path of your country, family, and the group of people you follow and depend on.  And that, is out of your control.  You can be chosen, but then how much do you really choose?  I guess the most one could do is be as prepared as one possibly can.  Then one is chosen.  By the company interviewers, for promotions.  If those above you get in trouble, no matter how high you climb, you can still be in trouble.  This is society, the same in China as anywhere else, though the ending can be a lot more dramatic for Chinese leaders than American leaders.  One cannot really be left alone.  One is promoted, or put into house arrest, or accused of affairs and corruptions and whatever else.  

Apt or no apt?

I've been thinking quite a lot to make Shanghai one of my bases, if not one of the main ones.  I do feel better here most of the time, more so than Hong Kong.  It is a great feeling to be connecting with my roots.  Then begs the question:  Is it worthwhile to get an apartment in Shanghai?

Prices are quite high now and to get a 100 sq. m apartment in my desired location, it would cost somewhere around US$1m.  With the 30% down payment requirement and rather high interest rate, this can be a burden to take on.  I would very much like to have a place to call home here though, a base where I can explore more of Shanghai.

At the same time, as an investment decision, it makes more sense to buy in the US, before QE ends.  When it ends, the USD may gain in value, making an RMB purchase relatively cheaper.

Price in Shanghai is not cheaper than Hong Kong but it has a much lower interest rate, which makes monthly payment thereafter more affordable as well.  Plus, I can rent it out on airbnb or anyone that covers the mortgage plus extra free cash flow.  I shall think about this more.

Time wasted for being sick again

I felt I had a sore throat Thursday, probably from the extreme temperature difference between a super air-conditioned workplace and the hottest summer in Shanghai in 140 years outside.  This soon developed into runny nose, lasting for three days.  Latest symptom is coughing.  Though I see signs of recovery on the horizon.  Mostly I feel it was valuable time wasted.  I was supposed to go to church in Shanghai and meet more people and practice my new approach - the more groomed and attitude without sharp edges.  All advices from the relationship books.  Oh well, I guess that would have to wait.

I did meet up with my bunch of MBA friends for dinner this weekend.  I hadn't seen one of them for a really long time, say 3 to 4 years, and found him just as annoying as I always found him.  Time didn't make a difference.  There was just a sense of arrogance and superiority oozing from him being a Taiwanese American in Shanghai.  I originally thought the Taiwanese American category may be the most workable for me, being mandarin speaking, but also more international.  But I can't ignore that some do have a sense prejudice inside them against my very core.  They profited from China's opening up, with their factories and manufacturing facilities employing cheap Chinese labor.  They had the education and capital a decade or so ahead of China's opening up and therefore could use it to accumulate much more.  This just teaches me that money is not such a tipping scale sort of thing.  Yet, at this stage, without the help from marriage, our financial status is more or less status quo.  Accept the lot?

Getting on with the game plan - Fitbit and relationship-strategy books

Even though it has been the hottest summer in 140 years, I am still loving being here.  I feel hopeful.  Shanghai is a full society with more real people.  I feel a sense of belonging that was lacking with a lot of people I interact with in Hong Kong.  Having the extra cash to spend from my airbnb earning definitely helps.

Third day back, I already went to a concert for Jamroquai at the Shanghai stadium last night and enjoyed a few very nice lunches and dinners with coworkers and family.  It is blissful to come back to a home-cooked meal at the end of the day, so the extra commute time may in fact be worth it.

In other matters, I am reading a few books on Kindle like "How to get married after 35" and "Have him at hello."  I think if I am serious about finding love, I should follow a game plan.  I will read more of these books.  Also I plan to get in shape.

A guy friend before I left this weekend told me that honestly if I am interested in dating Asian guys I need to lose a few pounds.  Non-Asians care about curves, but Asians just care about being skinny.  This is an HBS-educated guy with a reasonable family background in Hong Kong.  I suppose one should take his word.

This is just the reality.  I plan to get in shape anyhow.  I want to buy one of those fitbit things that can track my activity levels.  Watch my diet.  Become serious.  If I was determined enough to attain most of my educational and work goals in the past, hitting all the milestones, I should approach my fitness and relationship in the same determined fashion.  The goals and the landscape have changed.  I need to really discipline myself and work on that.  That should take the utmost priority.  I will do it.

Bracing for the hottest summer in 140 years

I'm leaving for Shanghai soon.  I am excited.  Going out in Hong Kong just reminds me how disconnected I am from every single group, the Hongkies, the expats, and the new wave of mainland Chinese.  I want a place where I belong, where I feel at home.  So far Shanghai has given me that.  I have also accomplished everything I set out to do in the three weeks in Hong Kong - doctor's appointments, immigration appointments... Shanghai is experiencing the hottest summer in 140 years.  It is an experience in itself.  I am ready for it.