A beleaguered fortress

I had lunch with a successful friend who is a partner now at a major bank.  She married early and always heard my complaint but every time very matter of factly tell me that marriage is not what I think it is.  Like quite a few people who tell me that marriage is overrated, she likened the situation to a beleaguered fortress, a popular Chinese novel that describes life as a situation where people always think the grass is greener on the other side.  Those in the fortress want to get out, and those from the outside want to get in.  This applies to marriage, employment, etc.  But what about the guaranteed companionship that comes from being married?  She said before that it doesn't always work like that.  When you want company, your companion may not be present.  When you want to be alone, that person is there.  Who says one should get married or have kids? she questioned me.

I have to be honest with myself.  I am kind of nerdy and not someone I'd like to date if I am a guy.  I am kind of serious and most of my recent memories have centered around trying to make it.  Trying to stay afloat in a competitive world where I don't fall into the cracks.  I have been lucky to be where I am today, with a career I am satisfied with and a job that I am comfortable at.  It could definitely be a lot worse.

Talking with friends who have lived in Los Angeles a few days ago, I kind of realized that I somehow I have affixed myself on the idea that I need to return to the Bay Area many years ago, even though it is not a part of my life right now.  Yes indeed, SoCal is warm and offers surfing, and people are not as nerdy.  Why should I forever be associated with the nerdy Asian American types just because I went to college in that environment?  I like having that set of friends but there is a big world out there to explore, to try out the different outfits to see if they are ones that would suit me the most. Why not take this chance and do that.

I started to notice all the characters in Hong Kong, their diversity and energy and drive.  I like being Chinese.  It feels good.  I no longer have to justify to myself or to others who I am.  I can own up to it.  There is so much to discover and learn about China and the region.  Maybe that search and pursuit to go back to the Bay Area will all end with me liking this place once more?