The one thing that I have noticed being with my Chinese colleague is that most people are very private. After sitting next to someone for almost two years, no one really knows anything other than a few vague facts about that person.
I tried asking what I shall call my ex-crush a few details about what he did over vacation or garden leave etc, and every time I was met with a reluctant and awkward answer. I know this is partly his socially awkward behavior but the same thing happened with my more jovial coworkers. What does your wife do? What did you do before joining our bank? I asked the guy sitting in front of me. Every time he smiled and shifted the topic to something else, like "Oh, what time is it now?" "Oh, look at this plate."
I asked that Chinese coworker to lunch and he jovially accepted yesterday. We were at a Chinese restaurant in Sheung Wan and again I was curious and asked what his wife does for a living. Again, he pretended to not have heard and moved on with the conversation. Gosh, do people believe that I work for the KGB or the equivalent of one in China? Why are people so wary?
Oh well, when in Rome, do what the Romans do. When it was his turn to ask, "Do you own your place in Hong Kong?" normally I would have happily answered and then proceed the conversation with greater interest as I share my experience on down payment and interest rate and benefiting from an unexpected property bubble, but this time is different. I said nothing. Instead I looked at our food and said the chicken is spicy.
Why not practice the art and do unto others what they do unto you. I was happy that I avoided the topic in a crafty way. I know a well-to-do Caucasian roommate's father does the same thing. Once I went to her family Thanksgiving dinner in Carmel. When he was asked a question, he'd just stuff a bread into his mouth so he does not have to answer. What a polite way to avoid conflict and to avoid talking too much as in my case. And this extends the racial line. Though I just have to practice it a lot more in my Chinese crowd, especially with people I suspect would do the same thing to me. My guy friend from SF is visiting. He said his natural instinct is just not to share anything personal with people. That's probably a good idea. Of course, I'm sharing it instead with the invisible mass public on the web...
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Monday, March 18, 2013
The blocked Shanghai weekend
I just got back to work from spending the weekend plus Monday in Shanghai. Everything I am used to checking on the internet was blocked, like Youtube, Bloomberg, NY Times, Facebook, and even Blogspot. I was not able to vent my thoughts as readily as I'd like or get the information I normally get.
I concluded that life is kind of hard there. China is not the same place five or ten years ago, as my friend who moved there for business said. It is hard to make money. You can if you have power, but then that's kind of risky. I think policies can change and you weather just as much danger from being toppled over or being in jail while making that amount. Can you really sleep at night knowing you bear such risk?
Pollution is also bad. I had a great view from my office in Lujiazui over the entire CBD, yet everything is shrouded in a haze that just makes one feel oppressed, much like the relatively oppressive regime itself. I longed for freedom there, I longed for the people to see more than their little lives running from place to place just to make a living. This kind of living does not allow one to see the spiritual side, making life less fun to live.
Two friends there told me again that I am not Chinese. I might not like Shanghai. I could live there but because I think differently from everyone else, I would not have much fun cause people would not want to talk to me. I guess that is true. My strong desire to be local partly comes from the fact that I work in a Chinese bank now and I wanted to get into my crush's world. Even though he's married, and probably not interested even in an affair as he is spending all this time with this young girl in a different department.
Maybe the couple of times he ignored saying hi to me or did not invite me to lunch when he invited another Chinese guy was because I was not Chinese enough and he thinks that I would not understand. But I do. But I just have not been in that environment to know how people act or behave to convey certain emotion. I need to control that as well. I watched the Community Party CPC and I see how controlled everyone's emotion is. Not that I want to become a communist robot but it helps to know my environment and act accordingly. I am not good at that I know but I can try. I remember being much more reserved in high school. I had a hard time letting go. It took me so much courage to say hi to others. Now I just let the floodgate open and it is hard to shut it down. Moderation would be helpful.
I concluded that life is kind of hard there. China is not the same place five or ten years ago, as my friend who moved there for business said. It is hard to make money. You can if you have power, but then that's kind of risky. I think policies can change and you weather just as much danger from being toppled over or being in jail while making that amount. Can you really sleep at night knowing you bear such risk?
Pollution is also bad. I had a great view from my office in Lujiazui over the entire CBD, yet everything is shrouded in a haze that just makes one feel oppressed, much like the relatively oppressive regime itself. I longed for freedom there, I longed for the people to see more than their little lives running from place to place just to make a living. This kind of living does not allow one to see the spiritual side, making life less fun to live.
Two friends there told me again that I am not Chinese. I might not like Shanghai. I could live there but because I think differently from everyone else, I would not have much fun cause people would not want to talk to me. I guess that is true. My strong desire to be local partly comes from the fact that I work in a Chinese bank now and I wanted to get into my crush's world. Even though he's married, and probably not interested even in an affair as he is spending all this time with this young girl in a different department.
Maybe the couple of times he ignored saying hi to me or did not invite me to lunch when he invited another Chinese guy was because I was not Chinese enough and he thinks that I would not understand. But I do. But I just have not been in that environment to know how people act or behave to convey certain emotion. I need to control that as well. I watched the Community Party CPC and I see how controlled everyone's emotion is. Not that I want to become a communist robot but it helps to know my environment and act accordingly. I am not good at that I know but I can try. I remember being much more reserved in high school. I had a hard time letting go. It took me so much courage to say hi to others. Now I just let the floodgate open and it is hard to shut it down. Moderation would be helpful.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
"You are not Chinese. You are a facebook user."
I met up with the other strategist, the Shanghainese guy who I met through my Chinese University friend who knows my crush but my crush is more reluctant to meet because he's more junior. (Yep, it's complicated like that). I liked him because he was frank. He acted neither above me or below me, and was rather honest and truthful in giving out opinions.
This time when we met however, he found out that I actually left Shanghai when I was quite young. He responded "So you're American." Then the conversations followed where he brought up many examples of why I am American and he's Chinese and me being bummed that I'm rejected and excluded from being a Chinese. At least I'd like to get the acceptance and acknowledgment that I am Chinese along with being American. Nope - I did not get such satisfaction. He seems to think that I fit in everywhere and want to be everywhere. Whereas he would go visit a place and think it is kind of exotic but always return home, I could just keep on living in that place and be a part of that place.
When I mentioned that there is no patriotism in the US per se, but one does feel more proud when a moment like Obama being black and elected celebrates a kind of spirit that is only achievable in the US, where an oppressed race can in fact through personal effort make it there. He said Chinese people don't feel for black or white and see them all alike. If Hillary gets elected, he'd feel more excited because it is a woman. True, there are no black people in China, so why would anyone feel anything for that race and the struggle an underdog would experience? Whereas women, people can see they are the less privileged sort in China...
He said I didn't have to say much but he could feel that I am not Chinese and I think differently. I was bothered by this all afternoon. After all, I felt like rejecting my international group of friends often because I claimed myself as being more Shanghainese. In my mind, there is that special connection that exists between people there and me. Yet this guy concluded that I should stay in Hong Kong and not Shanghai. It is better for me.
He said, "I can see that you are a facebook user." Most of his friends are not. Most of the locals are not. Later I get it. Facebook is banned anyway in China so it automatically becomes a divider between one's claim to being Chinese.
In the afternoon, I had tea with a friend who recently made MD at a prestigious US bank. I suppose she has not wasted all her years while being in Hong Kong. I jumped from place to place only onto a ship that is sinking. She is definitely more local and questioned why I want so hard to be local. There are all sorts of people and I should just be with the ones I feel connected to. True. Why twist myself and try so hard. In all honesty, there are always a few turning points in one's life, like the time when I felt that my days in California were over when I felt bored and ready to move on. This is another one of those moments when I feel quite spent staying in a Chinese bank and ready for the excitement of an outside world. I am not all that Chinese, though there is definitely in me an understanding of how people think and work even though I am not part of the system myself. To me that should be enough. I should now find a place where I can feel comfortable, where I can be unapologettically myself, be that American, Chinese, European or something universal.
This time when we met however, he found out that I actually left Shanghai when I was quite young. He responded "So you're American." Then the conversations followed where he brought up many examples of why I am American and he's Chinese and me being bummed that I'm rejected and excluded from being a Chinese. At least I'd like to get the acceptance and acknowledgment that I am Chinese along with being American. Nope - I did not get such satisfaction. He seems to think that I fit in everywhere and want to be everywhere. Whereas he would go visit a place and think it is kind of exotic but always return home, I could just keep on living in that place and be a part of that place.
When I mentioned that there is no patriotism in the US per se, but one does feel more proud when a moment like Obama being black and elected celebrates a kind of spirit that is only achievable in the US, where an oppressed race can in fact through personal effort make it there. He said Chinese people don't feel for black or white and see them all alike. If Hillary gets elected, he'd feel more excited because it is a woman. True, there are no black people in China, so why would anyone feel anything for that race and the struggle an underdog would experience? Whereas women, people can see they are the less privileged sort in China...
He said I didn't have to say much but he could feel that I am not Chinese and I think differently. I was bothered by this all afternoon. After all, I felt like rejecting my international group of friends often because I claimed myself as being more Shanghainese. In my mind, there is that special connection that exists between people there and me. Yet this guy concluded that I should stay in Hong Kong and not Shanghai. It is better for me.
He said, "I can see that you are a facebook user." Most of his friends are not. Most of the locals are not. Later I get it. Facebook is banned anyway in China so it automatically becomes a divider between one's claim to being Chinese.
In the afternoon, I had tea with a friend who recently made MD at a prestigious US bank. I suppose she has not wasted all her years while being in Hong Kong. I jumped from place to place only onto a ship that is sinking. She is definitely more local and questioned why I want so hard to be local. There are all sorts of people and I should just be with the ones I feel connected to. True. Why twist myself and try so hard. In all honesty, there are always a few turning points in one's life, like the time when I felt that my days in California were over when I felt bored and ready to move on. This is another one of those moments when I feel quite spent staying in a Chinese bank and ready for the excitement of an outside world. I am not all that Chinese, though there is definitely in me an understanding of how people think and work even though I am not part of the system myself. To me that should be enough. I should now find a place where I can feel comfortable, where I can be unapologettically myself, be that American, Chinese, European or something universal.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
It all comes down to dumb luck and not revealing too much on my face
I attended a function with a business school I am attached to last night where the speaker was the head of a successful cosmetic company now listed in Hong Kong. He said most things in life comes down to dumb luck. He found the job because the founder of the company from France once was on the same plane as him and actually made the mistake of sitting in his seat. That started the conversation that eventually evolved in him taking the job like two decades ago. Sales had then grown 100 times and they are now a world famous brand.
Yes indeed. We cannot ever predict what will happen in our lives. I could not have imagined where I would be five years ago and that's all the fun in it. What will fate bring to me?
On a side note, I just went to lunch with a few ex-colleagues and somehow they kept asking me if I was unhappy to be with them. And the truth was I was. Somehow the people annoyed me. Not individually but collectively. The girl organizer just wanted to meet all my guy friends and invited out this guy she barely knows. The conversations were stale and uninteresting. I suppose most other people could have just rode with it but I am not sure why all my emotion is written all over my face and I cannot contain this slight feeling of boredom. Life is not supposed to be exciting every second anyway. No one is supposed to awe me every time. But somehow it is written there so plainly.
The girl walked with me afterwards and agreed that I should try to keep my feelings to myself just as she is trying to do. In Asia, especially in China, everyone's like that. Yes, that is definitely years of training people had dealing with all the emotions that arise. Where does it all go if it never gets released. I guess it comes to an Ang Lee movie sort of ending, where there is no catharsis. You just dissolve all your feeling into the air. You after all, do not matter in the society, and you accept that you cannot change the world. There is more than a billion people in the world. Why should be any more special than the billion others sharing the same set of space? Do you have more power and more talent?
On fatalism, a senior private equity professional in his 50's after the business school meeting was conversing with another guy of similar age and rank. He mentioned how hard it is to successfully run a startup. Lots of people in the Silicon Valley just hop from startup to startup getting paid 100K and wake up when they are 40 and realize they cannot buy a house in the Valley. Things are not as rosy as they appear on the outside. They then just have a couple of stories to tell while they go back to work for the corporate. When you are older, your opportunity cost is also higher, unlike the young Steve Jobs. Or, I mentioned, you can do it when you are like Michael Bloomberg, after you have made it. I suppose. I should look for that Michael Bloomberg phase of my life at this point.
To end, I have decided to expand my circle by working from the Shanghai office when I can. I have arranged so that I work there next Monday and an entire two weeks in April. This way I can refresh my mind from my crush and meet a set of new people in a new environment. That sure should revitalize me. I look forward to that.
Yes indeed. We cannot ever predict what will happen in our lives. I could not have imagined where I would be five years ago and that's all the fun in it. What will fate bring to me?
On a side note, I just went to lunch with a few ex-colleagues and somehow they kept asking me if I was unhappy to be with them. And the truth was I was. Somehow the people annoyed me. Not individually but collectively. The girl organizer just wanted to meet all my guy friends and invited out this guy she barely knows. The conversations were stale and uninteresting. I suppose most other people could have just rode with it but I am not sure why all my emotion is written all over my face and I cannot contain this slight feeling of boredom. Life is not supposed to be exciting every second anyway. No one is supposed to awe me every time. But somehow it is written there so plainly.
The girl walked with me afterwards and agreed that I should try to keep my feelings to myself just as she is trying to do. In Asia, especially in China, everyone's like that. Yes, that is definitely years of training people had dealing with all the emotions that arise. Where does it all go if it never gets released. I guess it comes to an Ang Lee movie sort of ending, where there is no catharsis. You just dissolve all your feeling into the air. You after all, do not matter in the society, and you accept that you cannot change the world. There is more than a billion people in the world. Why should be any more special than the billion others sharing the same set of space? Do you have more power and more talent?
On fatalism, a senior private equity professional in his 50's after the business school meeting was conversing with another guy of similar age and rank. He mentioned how hard it is to successfully run a startup. Lots of people in the Silicon Valley just hop from startup to startup getting paid 100K and wake up when they are 40 and realize they cannot buy a house in the Valley. Things are not as rosy as they appear on the outside. They then just have a couple of stories to tell while they go back to work for the corporate. When you are older, your opportunity cost is also higher, unlike the young Steve Jobs. Or, I mentioned, you can do it when you are like Michael Bloomberg, after you have made it. I suppose. I should look for that Michael Bloomberg phase of my life at this point.
To end, I have decided to expand my circle by working from the Shanghai office when I can. I have arranged so that I work there next Monday and an entire two weeks in April. This way I can refresh my mind from my crush and meet a set of new people in a new environment. That sure should revitalize me. I look forward to that.
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Sleuth and sophisticated me - start off with Backoffice admin
Finally after a month of not speaking to my crush, I gathered enough courage to strike up a conversation with him last Thursday, by asking him knows another in his profession from another bank.
They actually have a lot of common ties, too much to explain here. He asked how I know him, I said friend of a friend, which is true. I fished him out of my random attendance at a Chinese university's reunion event, where a guy I met there brought him to lunch subsequently. It is too hard to explain. The mystery however, added a sense of power to me, which I liked. I guess I've always had an inquisitive nature, and I do "waste" a lot of time finding out how the world and the people around me worked.
In any case, he did not commit to the lunch but did talk for quite a while with me. He told me that the broking industry used to be profitable, like in the 80's and 90's in the US where people made millions. Now it is no different than driving a taxi. Barrier to competition is not that high. He said his relative with no background started retail clothing shops and expanded to three in no time. I should do the same. I was happy to talk to him like a normal person at last. The next day though, we fell back into silence, where we sat side by side eating lunch by ourselves at our desks without exchanging a word. He bumped into me outside. He was listening to music like always and I was too. We exchanged greeting finally by nodding and it was odd - like I found my mirror self talking to me.
I remember my first crush, my biology teacher in high school, how he drove me home for three or four months before I finished my freshman year in high school just so I can finish the honors biology course. I had a crush on him and on a casual occasion when he showed us his driver's license, I memorized his birth date and his address. The summer after I left school, I wrote him an 80-page letter then sent to him for his birthday. He shocked me by showing up at the restaurant worked at and said his wife wanted to meet me. That it was the best birthday present he ever got. Gosh, this 16 year old me is really no different decades later... the crush on married men, the Amelie-like stealthiness. It would be really nice if one day I find that one guy that I can fall deeply in love with, because that is my nature to fall deep into something.
I had dinner at an ex-coworker's place. She's a great entrepreneur and at 40, just got engaged to a 46-year-old guy after five months dating. Now she's just interested in having a child as soon as possible. She invited two single guy friends to dinner. I had met them before, and one black guy I had slept with before but no one else knows. The other guy is an Asian Australian. It is just slightly hard for me to raise my interest. My friend's fiancee commented that I am sophisticated and probably scare off a lot of guys. I should tell people that I work in backoffice admin. Is that the way? But then what kind of self would I be presenting to others, the not truthful self? How can I start a relationship with a lie?
They actually have a lot of common ties, too much to explain here. He asked how I know him, I said friend of a friend, which is true. I fished him out of my random attendance at a Chinese university's reunion event, where a guy I met there brought him to lunch subsequently. It is too hard to explain. The mystery however, added a sense of power to me, which I liked. I guess I've always had an inquisitive nature, and I do "waste" a lot of time finding out how the world and the people around me worked.
In any case, he did not commit to the lunch but did talk for quite a while with me. He told me that the broking industry used to be profitable, like in the 80's and 90's in the US where people made millions. Now it is no different than driving a taxi. Barrier to competition is not that high. He said his relative with no background started retail clothing shops and expanded to three in no time. I should do the same. I was happy to talk to him like a normal person at last. The next day though, we fell back into silence, where we sat side by side eating lunch by ourselves at our desks without exchanging a word. He bumped into me outside. He was listening to music like always and I was too. We exchanged greeting finally by nodding and it was odd - like I found my mirror self talking to me.
I remember my first crush, my biology teacher in high school, how he drove me home for three or four months before I finished my freshman year in high school just so I can finish the honors biology course. I had a crush on him and on a casual occasion when he showed us his driver's license, I memorized his birth date and his address. The summer after I left school, I wrote him an 80-page letter then sent to him for his birthday. He shocked me by showing up at the restaurant worked at and said his wife wanted to meet me. That it was the best birthday present he ever got. Gosh, this 16 year old me is really no different decades later... the crush on married men, the Amelie-like stealthiness. It would be really nice if one day I find that one guy that I can fall deeply in love with, because that is my nature to fall deep into something.
I had dinner at an ex-coworker's place. She's a great entrepreneur and at 40, just got engaged to a 46-year-old guy after five months dating. Now she's just interested in having a child as soon as possible. She invited two single guy friends to dinner. I had met them before, and one black guy I had slept with before but no one else knows. The other guy is an Asian Australian. It is just slightly hard for me to raise my interest. My friend's fiancee commented that I am sophisticated and probably scare off a lot of guys. I should tell people that I work in backoffice admin. Is that the way? But then what kind of self would I be presenting to others, the not truthful self? How can I start a relationship with a lie?
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
The aftermath
The aftermath of the bonus season is that the entire department is disintegrating. Everyone that the head guy hired got a donut for bonus while he walked away the next day with all his guarantee. Things are not looking rosy.
I was planning to leave anyway, but now it just reaffirmed it. My interview last Friday went well but it has been quiet since then. It's a small world and I wonder what concerns the head guy at a major bank would have. How to lead a complex team where internally there would be competition is a hairy matter to manage. When there is money, there will be fights. I am a bit disappointed that almost a week after I met with the senior manager, I still have not heard back about the next step. Patience. Relax and wait.
Lots of people who came in my wave are unhappy with their pay. The head of the department took me to a little room two days ago and complained to me about the entire bonus process and how he got a zero. This is worse than any time he has ever worked at. A change of dynasty. Everyone who came with the leader suffered while he left with his bags of guarantee money. I can't believe how easily my crush is making his million. No threat. Relatively little stress. Gosh.. I can feel a bit riled up when thinking about it.
In a bigger bank, I would need to deal with much more politics. What other choices would I have? There are all those at the top of their career who can only endure the humiliation of getting no bonus but still staying because they have no other place to go. At the same time, there are also those who are at the beginning of their career who may not have the relationships and experience to get any further at this point. I now understand the risk of joining a new platform. I should think twice. At this point, I should come back when there is that bag of cash to be collected. What goes around turns around. I should sit in the seat of my crush at that time.
Hopefully at that time I would be in love and maybe happily married. So far stress from work has placed me in a less romantic mood. And thinking about all those potential relationships to manage should I get that promotion is already weighing on me. How can I get that relatively stress free but high-paying job? How can I find a financially stable and responsible man? Hmm... we will see how a few cards turn out this year.
I was planning to leave anyway, but now it just reaffirmed it. My interview last Friday went well but it has been quiet since then. It's a small world and I wonder what concerns the head guy at a major bank would have. How to lead a complex team where internally there would be competition is a hairy matter to manage. When there is money, there will be fights. I am a bit disappointed that almost a week after I met with the senior manager, I still have not heard back about the next step. Patience. Relax and wait.
Lots of people who came in my wave are unhappy with their pay. The head of the department took me to a little room two days ago and complained to me about the entire bonus process and how he got a zero. This is worse than any time he has ever worked at. A change of dynasty. Everyone who came with the leader suffered while he left with his bags of guarantee money. I can't believe how easily my crush is making his million. No threat. Relatively little stress. Gosh.. I can feel a bit riled up when thinking about it.
In a bigger bank, I would need to deal with much more politics. What other choices would I have? There are all those at the top of their career who can only endure the humiliation of getting no bonus but still staying because they have no other place to go. At the same time, there are also those who are at the beginning of their career who may not have the relationships and experience to get any further at this point. I now understand the risk of joining a new platform. I should think twice. At this point, I should come back when there is that bag of cash to be collected. What goes around turns around. I should sit in the seat of my crush at that time.
Hopefully at that time I would be in love and maybe happily married. So far stress from work has placed me in a less romantic mood. And thinking about all those potential relationships to manage should I get that promotion is already weighing on me. How can I get that relatively stress free but high-paying job? How can I find a financially stable and responsible man? Hmm... we will see how a few cards turn out this year.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Gini coefficient at work
I just found out that my coworker in fact is bringing in 40times my yearly bonus for barely six months of work and not much work at all. He is in fact a very big ticket item. All my crush feeling and the tad bit of jealousy has turned to despair. I am losing all motivation to work. Why haven't all these years of work experience turned into something more worthwhile? But maybe that is why all the avoidance. While I stayed away out of my jealousy of his love, he could have stayed away because he would be suspicious of those around him jealous of his pay and what he does. I guess if I didn't have just love for him, I would have hated him for his pay alone. It's just such an easy job with no pressure. Such easy big money.
I suppose he is a few years older than me and has a bit more experience. How can I pack it all in in the next few years? I am definitely going to leave my current job this year and pursue a more international experience. Quite a few years to pay the price for a spot in the big boy's table, but hopefully this will be the year.
I suppose he is a few years older than me and has a bit more experience. How can I pack it all in in the next few years? I am definitely going to leave my current job this year and pursue a more international experience. Quite a few years to pay the price for a spot in the big boy's table, but hopefully this will be the year.
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