Can we skip the emotional connection stage?

Had lunch with two ex-colleagues today.  The guy is from Shanghai and is rather stable with his career as a research analyst.  We were recruited at the same time.  He's married and offered his perspective on love and dating.  He commented that my threshold for chemistry and love may be too high.  Dating and marriage are two completely different things.  Some people wait around for love and connection but they never find it and then miss the everyday marriage part.  This is in response to my reluctance to choose an ex-coworker who seemed to be very stable as marriage material but I wanted more - a connection, chemistry, love...

Can I really just skip the connection, passion part and jump straight to the practical side of a union?

Tonight, I was calm enough to chat with my affair partner (since after I told him that I hated him, I was spineless enough to ask him to vote for me in the Institutional Investor voting). He is going through a divorce but did not want to commit because he has already made a mistake of seventeen years acting on passion alone. He said he thinks he would drive me crazy if he is to live with me.  He also told me that I can be abrasive.  Everyone has emotion but I seem to not filter mine.  That is indeed true.  I am working on that as I said before.  I need to meditate.  He told me to relax and not think that the world is against me, the exact words that the head of research had told me.  I guess I can be naturally defensive.  Either I have lots of money or power to not care, or I should restrain and discipline my emotion.  That is for certain.  My love said every great person has good and bad parts, and he likes all of me.  So to that I said thanks.  It doesn't matter does it?  I still need to walk away from my love and tame my heart for something more.

I tried going to badminton organized by my bank.  When I arrived there, I found no one.  Later the administrator told me that those who had signed up late cancelled.  I made no professional or personal progress on that front.  I went back to the office and sat there doodling around when my office crushed walked in after dinner with another female coworker.  The junior guy who saw me snooping around also sat there.  I was there for a few minutes silent, not knowing what to say, knowing that the junior guy did not tell him anything but is probably observing my reaction.  I could not see him interacting with other girls without feeling jealous and not knowing if I could entirely hide my feeling, I always tried to be quiet and walk away.  That isn't the most smooth way to handle it but I have to deal with what I've got.

To increase my pool of potential candidates, I signed up for the alumni activity list of two mainland universities, posing as their graduate.  I told my ex-colleague in my core I am actually very mainland.  He said how could that be if my values are American, and the core of someone is really his/her value.  I don't know.  I guess I'm just confused.  How can one express one's true core to someone?  He said I need to recognize that if I am to get together with a Chinese person, there is that hurdle of different value systems.  He suggested that I move to the US, where my odds would be greatly increased.  His sister did so and found someone in New York in the first month.  Are those anecdotal stories really worth the effort of uprooting one's self from a comfortable spot one's built up to somewhere else and start over?  Would I risk giving up on a career that I paid forward for many years prior to start again?  Those are questions to be beckoned with this year.  On a side note, another head hunter called and I met him about opportunities in a different bank.  I turned t down and told him that I am concentrating on a reputable buyside firm.  I need to update my resume to proceed to the next stage.  Somehow 2013 feels like a new start for me with my renewed focus on those three objectives.  To re-iterate, it would be to find love, to explore a good buyside firm, and to exercise emotional control.  In addition, I will lose 10 pounds.  So far my diet log has been working.

Lunch with an MBA grad and coffee with an MBA wanna-be

Yesterday I met with another Chinese American in equity research, whom I asked for an introduction from a college friend of mine.  In the same age bracket and in the same profession, I thought this would make our connection stronger, for either professional or personal reason in the future.  As I have a knack for journalism since an early age, I thought his background as a journalist in China would actually be an attraction.

Meeting him though turned out to be a rather uninspiring event.  A recent graduate of a US MBA school, he was quite defensive about everything.  You see, I've been trying to be less defensive and bite my tongue this year, so I am at least glad to say that my first practice with a defensive guy has been rather effective.  He introduced everything about himself with an air of arrogance, such as the fact that his parents moved to the US for graduate school (Yes, not one of those new immigrants, maybe that makes him a real true American prince).  He questioned me in a less friendly way as well, such as why I am not marketing right now, why I would be working for the place that I do etc.  The conversation just did not flow.  He's so inexperienced in his field, with just perhaps three months as an associate.  Normally people at that level would be speaking to me nicely, as their future is so uncertain and the road ahead long in their professional career.  He became more quiet when I told him that I have an associate working for me.  I think I need to be more patient and be a bigger person when I can.

The lunch turned out to be close to 600 HKD, much more than I felt comfortable paying for, especially with someone that I find less than engaging.  Afterwards, I had an upset stomach for the rest of the day.  The greasy food got to me.  I have also been taking a diet pill I got back in Manila ages ago, and it must have had a bad reaction with it.  I went to the gym later on and felt like fainting.  I took a taxi home and slept for the rest of the night.

This made me wonder - does US really churn out a lot of people who are rather insecure but want to cloak themselves in whatever degree they got - Yes, I have an MBA from so and so.. and I should talk down to you in a officious way?  I too have a top MBA, but I never thought about using it as a shield for who I truly am.  Maybe there is just an insecurity issue with guys.  He got started late with his career and he wanted to compete with me and win the first time we meet?  All I wanted was a friendly exchange, and perhaps he naturally saw it as a duel?  Perhaps I can't blame him.  He is probably still in the mode of competition, where he has to beat out all the other MBA students for the few coveted jobs in finance.  Survival comes first, then kindness for others and the world.

In the afternoon, a sales trader in the company asked me for coffee, to chat.  He's a young and good looking guy.  He was quite kind and humble, quite a nice change from the lunch time conversations I had.  He is bored with his job and wanted to learn more about fundamental analysis, perhaps go into research in the future.  I suggested MBA and he said he has also been looking into it.  Will that future MBA churn out another arrogant and insecure soul when he comes out?

Granted there has been many interesting people I met during MBA and the network gave me the perspective from many others in the world I was not exposed to before, there definitely is more than a handful who have been transformed for the more arrogant, a changed identity that required more a more defensive nature.  To make it in the world is a hard thing.  I hope I will be one of the lucky ones that wouldn't have to resort to that to prove my worth in the world.

Not great to say so much

First, I have to say that I was caught red-handed by a junior guy going through my coworker crush's stuff this afternoon.  I already know everything about his wife etc, but I somehow cannot help but look into his stuff in the office to remind myself of his not talked about private life.  I know it's wrong, but seriously I could be misled on the wrong path if I never found out about the situation between him and his wife.  I again had to recheck his details today at work when no one was around, but in walked a junior guy.  I was so embarrassed.  He immediately said, "Don't worry, I'm not him."  Gosh, will he tell him?  It doesn't matter.  Those are the facts, and I would just have to confront it if asked.  I just found it hard to find an excuse in fact to cover up the act.  So someone in the office knows.  I should stop with that infatuation route immediately. It is not ethical and I already have enough details about it to stop right now.  Gosh, how awkward will it be come Monday morning in a few hours.  Let's just bury that episode away.  I trust he has enough understanding not to share the information.

I went to a karaoke get-together organized by my entrepreneur friend A this afternoon. He wanted to introduce me to his friend, an Asian/Chinese South African dentist for a while.  The guy is very solid, a bit on the quiet side.  His parents were also born in South Africa, so despite his looks, he does not speak or understand Chinese at all.  How do you know if really could go for someone, start a relationship/perhaps marriage?  You don't have the butterfly in your stomach, so perhaps you shouldn't even look for that when you are older?  Just build and establish?  But then on what basis would you make that choice?  Just because they are the same race, or just because you think they have the opposite personality traits so you could complement each other?  I have agreed to a hike the South African Chinese guy is organizing, so to understand him more.  That's worthwhile, and it is not a total chore to be with.

At gym today, I bumped into an old friend, a 44-year-old Indian / American guy.  He wants to find someone to marry before he's 46, and proposed that I date/marry him if I don't find anyone after 35.  He kept recommending himself as a patient person who can manage me, which he thinks the person for me.  I said I'm not interested and do not want to deal with the Indian culture.  He's an interesting person to talk to, quite cynical but realistic at that stage.  He said I wouldn't meet any good guys at the gym as most of them have their minds set on making more money and advancing their career entirely and I would probably get in the way.

I also had Italian for dinner with an ex-coworker.  Whereas there was always a distance while working there, I find ex-coworkers are great to talk to once you are ex.  We had the same experience and sufferings and joy while going through a stage of our lives together.  The bond only becomes stronger afterwards.  She's also going to keep her eyes out for potential candidate while I keep mine open for potential job opportunities for her.

Can't shake that feeling off - a third resolution of the year

I feel bad.  I need more mental discipline for sure.  Last night at dinner I asked for the feedback from an awkward young lawyer who puts together dinners in Hong Kong to introduce people.  He said he judges people that he invites to the dinner by six criteria, among which are qualifications that they are wealthy, connected, intelligent, interesting, good looking and compassionate.  He said he could give everyone his impression (I don't really know him) after dinner if one should be interested. Being the inquisitive person that I am, I was the only one to ask him for his opinions.

He said that he thinks I am not wealthy (but later qualified that he defines wealthy as being able to inherit at least US$4m), that I am not connected (but later qualified that he would change his mind if he knew I have been in Hong Kong for 8 years already, but I must not have been connected when I first got here), that I am mildly attractive (I protested, but he said that's given that he knows many private bankers), that I am quick to judgment and the way I say things is so certain (people like to talk to people whose minds they can change etc.)  I guess I was pretty pissed off hearing about it.

Maybe it isn't the best thing to receive feedback, like all my friends were saying in business school, there are two sides to a coin, and people will always feed you the side that you are not.  If you are quiet, they say you are anti social.  If you are loud, they say you are overwhelming etc. I need to take it with a grain of salt, but then perhaps I should not take it too seriously, but also be mindful of what I say or do in public in the future.  Hong Kong is not a place to put down your guard after all.  In the case that you do not know what everyone's intention is, you should remain mum and be careful.  It's a pity.  Another Shanghainese guy at the dinner said that's the reason why in Chinese firms people don't talk to each other.  They do not want to reveal anything that could be used against them.  What a pity - because it is lonely without all that socializing at work.

Another thing is that I miss my coworker.  I need to get over it, but every once in a while I  become infatuated with someone.  That period could then be known as the period of Blah blah blah.  So this is the period of the cool coworker.  It is not really productive use of my time and energy.  I will try to reign it in.  Somehow in my mind he's become everything I ever wanted.  It's definitely idealization.  But I don't have connections that often, yet how can I control the fact that sometimes it is with someone who is not available? The connection is just as strong - leaving it hard for me to put out the fire by myself, alone.  He's the first and only Chinese guy that I feel close to, probably because he is well versed in western and eastern cultures.  Anyway, life is such that sometimes you should walk away, even though you may think this could lead to a beautiful life together.

All this comes down to emotional disciplines, which I lack.  I tend to indulge in my feelings at the moment, and find it hard to shake it off.  I also tend to find it hard to regulate my thoughts, which tend to spill out without adequate filter.  I used to not be like this when I was younger.  I think partly it is because for a while I had condoned this behavior without check.  Maybe my life had been too comfortable?  I also took on some of my business school crush T's rich public school attitude.  He poked at me with very pointy statements back then had trained me to behave like this to others sometimes.  I need to remind myself that it did not make me or the others feel warm back then.

Maybe I just need to get laid?  My fixation has to come partly from the fact that I am not satisfied sexually.  Sitting there across from the guy you like at work is a test on my hormones - yes, that is completely inappropriate.  But just as proximity determines most of the marriage unions, you can't help but be physically attracted to him.  But again, mental discipline.

Meditation probably helps in all this.  I want to become a better person that heed to others' needs.

Saturday is passing quickly.  New year's resolution:

1.  Devote more time and effort to find love and hopefully a lasting one.
2.  Consider moving to buyside research/portfolio management.  Managing money seems like it would be more fun.
3.  Emotional discipline.  Think before I speak.  Heed my words.

Thus, we start 2013 new year, still time to have a clean slate before Chinese New Year.

At this point simultaneously.. why didn't they teach us..

Last night I met up with V, my handsome French business school classmate visiting on a business trip.  My original intention shared with an engaged girlfriend is to sleep with him.  If nothing comes of it, at least I would have slept with a hot guy.  He and I have been very good friends for over five years, so I thought this seemed like a good idea when I enacted it in my mind the day before. 

Two things came up when he and I went for a few drinks after he got here though.  One is that he has been dating a Malaysian girl for five years, something he talked little about.  He said he is in the process of deciding to end that relationship, as they do not have the same interests and his consulting job has been taking a toll on his personal life.  The other thing was that he was on his way out of Hong Kong on a 1am flight, leaving little room for foreplay, flirtations, and possible sleeping over.  

Instead, we went to a business school gathering, and met quite a few people.  I met a few possible business associates, and a few people that I could count in my 100 dates, though I have no feeling or connection with them from the onset.  The concern with a white guy here is that the market is becoming increasingly Chinese, and a white expat's opportunities are dwindling here in Asia.  Perhaps a more established and seasoned one would have been better.  Anyway, there are always things to deal with. 

Although we did not get to sleep together, V and I got closer talking about this stage of our life.  He is 3 years older than me and somehow he started going off on how he now thought about settling down after seeing his sister just give birth and how much it brought joy to this over-worked corporate lawyer haggled with the stress of work before.  Her face just lit up, he said.  V, the free agent, the one who never wanted to get married, told me that he is for sure going to get married and have kids.  

He also shared how we follow society and family's advice to work hard in school and then look for a good professional career, all that time when we were stressing over those goals, we could have looked for that significant other and built on our personal lives.  No one taught us / told us to.  Yes, especially as a woman.  

I actually met quite a few people at the event.  My heart mostly is set on two married guys though.  One I just broke up with who I had a long distance for eight years (can I say that our connection is awesome?) but because of kids and distance, it was best that we separate.  The other is my neighbor at work, a guy who is very eloquent in both Chinese and English, who I share a lot of the same interest, background, and connection.  I think he is a nice distraction, but a distraction nonetheless.  I waited around for him to come back from meetings so I could ask him to go to lunch.  He brought back lunch though.  I had a nice chat with him.  I like him a lot.  Anyway, he never talks about his wife but I know she will be joining him soon.  It seems almost like a soap opera.  On toward my pursuit.  It should be fun. I am looking forward to a life with another guy, building a family, etc.  Will this be the year?

First day back at work

First day back at work is normally quite unproductive as always.  I did pay my exorbitant Hong Kong taxes though.  On my way back from Ho Chi Minh City, my MBA friend told me that her ex-boss is in fact settled in Czech right now.  Long distance and cross cultural, maybe not as hopeful as I originally hoped it would be.  Read this article "Why Women Can't Have It All," a popular article written by a successful woman in The Atlantic a couple of months ago at work today.  Maybe I should be more realistic?  Or optimistic?

How can I get used to being with a guy?  I guess maybe after sleeping with someone that is when the connection actually starts.  What a long dry spell.

I do want to dress up and be more womanly though.  I think with all that ambitious track I've forgotten that I'm a woman sometimes.  At the end of the day, we are all just biologically more adaptable doing certain things.  Here in Hong Kong, as in New York and other cosmopolitan city, looks and style is more important.  I should enjoy spending more money to look good.  Vogue and Tatler are currently the inspirations.  See it as an investment and a lifelong cultivation of my feminine side.  If no one enjoys it, I shall myself.  Oh in the meantime I need to lose 10 pounds.  Let's do it.

Back home in Hong Kong

After 10 days away in Vietnam, I am back.  It has been a good trip.  People are much warmer than I expected in general and it is amazing how different the country is in its different regions - from the super warm south to the super cool north.  I heard that people in Ho Chi Minh and Hanoi don't usually get married because of their distinct cultural differences.  That's new lessons indeed!  From not knowing where the capital lied to now being able to understand a bit more about the Vietnam war, it was fruitful I think.

The only disappoint part is that I expected all this walking around and eating pho every day would help me lose a pound or two.  I was quite shocked to find that I may in fact have gained a kilo!  What happened there?  I did have two fantas and a kit kat in the trip, but the rest of the time I really behaved! I really need to get a better start to this year.  I weigh 20 kilos more than when I started business school, partly from slowing metabolism and partly from having a mostly sedentary working life.  I really need to do something about this.  Diet is probably a more effective way to tackle this, since my expensive personal training session cannot do much if I do not significantly reduce and alter my diet.  I need to log everyday's intake, a friend with experience told me.  Sure.  It will be done.

So far I have not even crossed off one out of that one hundred goal.  I am considering changing the name of this post.  I originally had hope of at least meeting my friend's ex-boss, who's a good looking professional Czech.  The country's communist background should be a connector?  I later went back to HCMC and she told me that he's returned to Czech after doing two and half years in Vietnam and is likely staying?  Well, that just reduced the probability of that happening by 90% at least I think.

Sunday and a bit cold here in Hong Kong.  Errands to run. At least there is a bit of sunshine.  The gray sky in Hanoi got a bit tiring after a couple of days.  This is not an easy city to find love but then again, I have grown accustomed to its energy and efficiency.  Its capitalism could be inspiring.  Things can happen here.  Albeit it is hard to make it anywhere, lots of people around you do make it and life can progress and improve.  There will be time to sit back, but not always.