Carpetbaggers and Chinese locusts

I had lunch with an old college friend who moved to Hong Kong in the past year.  A young Chinese transplant like myself, she grew up in New York and works in media.  A very headstrong girl.  Though it can get annoying at times, I am nonetheless interested to see the world from her perspectives.

She is a go-getter and made it a goal to find a boy marry him and have a kid all in the span of one year. She achieved it, along with a few of my other friends.  She recommended that Atlantic Monthly article "Marry him!" in 2008 that argued for settling.

When the conversation went to a more practical point, I said that I got what I needed from Hong Kong, that being citizenship and a house.  To any financier, that would be practical and correct.  My girlfriend cringed however and said that I sounded like a carpetbagger, or exactly like those Chinese locusts.

Do I? Isn't all that true in what I said?  Everyone's in some place for something right?  Like people move to the States to get a green card and make money, people move to New York to make it, etc, etc.  Of course, I won't bring up that I learned a lot and matured through the experience, but aren't we all enslaved in some way in society and striving for that next goal?  Am I too jaded or is she too idealistic?

In the evening time, despite the rain, I went to visit a local care group, or Bible Study group in Hong Kong.  The couple's home was in Tin Hau and a very good part of it.  I arrived all wet from walking uphill in the rain and they were surprised to see me.  The woman told me that their yearly sessions were already over but invited me in for tea and gave me an umbrella afterwards.  Their big house had five cats roaming about and gave me an instant feeling of home.  If I were living like them, of course I'd like Hong Kong!  The older guy told me that he was born in Shanghai but grew up in Hong Kong and his son having gone to Deerfield Academy, a premier boarding school in the US, now studies at Yale and is a swimmer there.  They are in fact leaving for San Francisco to meet up with him this holiday season.  An ideal life in Hong Kong indeed.

The back and forth

I escaped the smog in Shanghai, having experienced a terrible day last Friday in a mostly dreamlike cloud atmosphere, except your throat and your eyes tell you that it is not really that great for you.  Back in Hong Kong.  I am happy that there is a deadline to it all.  I can be here, enjoy the air, enjoy the food, but next Friday I will be off again.  I still have the same feeling toward my crush, but I am so happy that I can be leaving it all.  I do not want my emotion and actions be restricted by the environment.  I know I would not have the will power to fight it, so escaping makes it all so much easier, like a permanent vacation.

So many things going on around us in the macro economic environment, and I have lost on the Rmb appreciation in addition to the scary property price appreciation.  I want to capture it.  I would very much like to buy that apartment, even if it means stretching it a bit.  A million USD.  That's how much a half decent two bedroom apartment would cost. I am scrambling to gather the 300k down payment.  I want a base there.  It gives me purpose.  I am doing something... rather than being trapped by a job, by people, by place.
Ten days...

Grandma and girlfriends

Two separate topics:

First, my grandmother passed away today. She was 88 or so.  I think the end of a life can involve quite a lot of suffering, and you can slowly wither away.  I hope she went smoothly and is now without suffering.

Girlfriends.  One of the local girls was quite aggressive in meeting my guy friends and we all went out for corporate lunch today.  I do feel threatened around these younger girls, though she may be a friend. Especially in China when I feel like they know they have more power and can be using it.

Resting in Maldives

I am resting in Maldives as we speak, trying to work on a few things for work.  The resort island is beautiful but also quite expensive.  Getting here on speedboat from the capital Male cost almost 200 US alone.  Add to that the meal plan etc.  I do need a break though.  For almost half a year, I have been shuttling between Hong Kong and Shanghai and lying next to the beach of a neutral place is a good break.  Come Monday I am off to Shanghai again.  The morning I get into Hong Kong and in the evening I am off.  

I think it will be a good change.  Somehow my experience in Hong Kong has been deteriorating.  After all these years, it is a pity that it is still not home.  I don't know what I can find elsewhere but we shall see.  The one thing I need to find to do is running a profitable business so I do not need to rely on work for all my attention span and all my possibilities in life.  "Man is born free but everywhere he is in chains,"  that's the age old philosophy that still rings true.  I want to be free from my chains and really live a spectacular life, a creative one, and a truthful one.  I hope I can.  

The art of speaking and communicating

I think these days I am now back to my original goal of thinking before speaking.  After I came back to Hong Kong, I again was truthful in communicating my dissatisfaction of the place to those I meet.  It is a nice and convenient place but I feel it is not home.  Friends come and go but they are never that rooted.  A friend who tapped into my network has been meeting all my friends on my behalf annoyed me a bit.  Not only that, he has been talking negatively about me with my friends.  Oh, so and so also agreed with me, that you can be quite negative sometimes.  Oh, you could be like so and so.  Oh you are not really that social and interested in meeting people.  He says.  I tell you this because I know you can take it.

I think I need to filter my thoughts and what I say.  As we grow older, I find that everyone has an agenda to further his or her interest.  There is no pure interest in another person, even within a family.  People are all self-interested, especially when we roll out capitalism in the midst.  Words are like swords, they can spread love and hurt. Though they are invisible, they have lasting effects.  I see some less sophisticated friends that speak and ramble on with no clear purpose.  It shows one's intelligence and emotional intelligence to be able to send targeted messages to select people.  The art of conversation..

Met up with a lot of people and watched "Blue Jasmine" with an ex-colleague of mine.  It was a little depressing despite the great performance.  The top of the world to the bottom.  Hopefully in my climb through accumulated efforts I would never have to face that..

Maybe he's just not that into you..

I thought about why my crush has been just so utterly cold to me.  Besides being by nature a loner and a selfish person, I think he probably does not want to be dragged by his association with me.  He has done well in life and climbed out of the hole that life had placed him into.  He does not want to be at the same level professionally with a woman and he does not want a friend who is still lower than him in compensation and position.  And he does not want to be giving any false to an older woman when all he wants are young and pretty playthings around.

I have been quiet since coming back.  The office's cold atmosphere makes me want to cry everyday.  I have been keeping things to myself.  Being with myself is the safest.  It takes no extra energy and no extra guessing game about who to trust, who to confide in.  Saying too much makes one make mistakes that one would be able to avoid if keeping silent.

Everyone goes back to a family, with those they can spend time with.  I go back to a place by myself.  I just want peace and time to build my next path - I don't want to be inundated with sounds and things and activities that can attract with my inner peace.  I am doing yoga everyday now.  It has been good.

I saw the private equity girl who used to circle around in the bathroom today putting on makeup and going out hunting presumably.  I felt cold around her and did not stop to say hello.  There is no need.  I am keeping all my time and energy to myself now.

And I did meet someone at the airport

Surprisingly enough I did meet someone at the airport, as I had been keeping my eyes open.  I bumped into my HK crush on the same flight.  I was on the phone when we were lining up for the flight but went over and tapped him on the shoulder.  I then went to the end of the line and waited, continuing my conversation with my uncle.  When walking past his row on the plane, I asked how come hes's not choosing first class.  He said no.

I wondered if I would see him after the flight landed but he went off by himself.  This is after not being in Hong Kong for three weeks.  I guess he's just not interested in forming a normal friendship.  Maybe that's the best.  Is this God's prayer being answered actually?  Who else will I meet who is available and attractive and reciprocal in this trip?

The prayer group saw through it all

My second Bible study group today was better than the last one.  First, two new guys joined group, making the male and female ration much better.  Even though they are either attached or married it didn't matter, since just having guys there changes the energy level.  There are guys out there still, it tells me.

I kept on asking hard questions as always.  Last time I drilled the leader on why God would plant that forbidden tree there if he really loves man and wants to walk with him.  Why trick man at all?  The leader kept on answering that it is because he's God and he could do what he pleased.  If she asked me not to look into the bathroom cabinet, would I?  That answer was not satisfactory for me obviously.  I prodded further.  I needed an answer and not blindly trust the assumption just because it supposedly came from God.  Today, I similarly wanted to ask why God chose Abram as the one.  Because he is God, I was told.  The first question I asked last week had a good feedback from the pastor though.  She told me that God put the tree there so man could choose.  Instead of a blind love, man could choose to love him by not eating from the tree.  That was a breakthrough thinking.

When prayer session came, the American woman leading the group prayed for me.  She said who knows who I will meet, in the airport, at work etc.  I did not even tell her that I am single and am searching, yet somehow the older woman sensed it.  What magic.  I hope the same vibe could carry me through finding a partner.

I'm a little sad

I think becoming older and realizing my place in the world makes me just a bit sad.  As the weather is getting chillier, it dampens my spirit to a degree.

Off to Hong Kong this weekend.  I wonder if I'd be meeting more people this time.  Splitting time definitely puts me in a better psychological state to meet more people, being more curious and calm.

I saw that my old love posted a picture of him and his young girlfriend on facebook.  They look happy. I wonder if I'd ever meet my partner.

Too many girls..

The latest social events I attend, a Bible study group last weekend and today's meetup event that centers around a TED topic.  In my Bible study group, other than the American couple who was the organizer and the pastor, the rest were all young girls.  There were two English guys at the group, but it was not long before they revealed that they came with their Chinese significant half in the group.  Both had strange accents.  Their Chinese halves were very Chinese.

Out of my busy schedule, I also dropped at the TED event meetup tonight.  I only stayed for 10 minutes before leaving.  A few young foreigner guys were surrounded by many local girls trying hard to be international.  It wasn't that fun.  I think i liked the Dine out event more where there were older and more mature people going.

Anyway, no pain no gain.  I try to keep a good attitude to enjoy life as it is.  My left side of the brain tells me that the statistics are against me.  There simply aren't that many great guys that have good jobs.  If they do, they'd already be followed by many feminine girls and at least half of them would want to validate their accomplishments by going for the model types.  But anyway, those factors are beyond my control.

It will be good to see my parents finally tomorrow.  Days are getting a bit colder now and I am feeling a bit down at moments.  I started doing the half half six months ago, and so far I still haven't found my love.

A golden age in Shanghai

Most of the people I talk to in Shanghai are hopeful.  They range from the Syrian guy who bought my old bed.  He just moved from Korea and working as a designer in commercial or advertising venture and said Shanghai is the place to be.  Expats who stayed for a few years in the church I am attending also had good things to say about Shanghai.

Last night a Guangxi girl who sat next to me at a meetup event told me that after the financial crisis, all sorts of foreigners started moving to China and Shanghai started having a renewed international energy. In contrast,  she has heard from others say that because Hong Kong opened up much earlier, it has already formed groups of people, expats, local Cantonese, and others like the mainlanders.  I agree that Shanghai's social scene is a lot more mixed and interesting.  "It is the golden age in Shanghai,"  she tells me.  And indeed.  One could easily miss it.

I think thinking about work condition in Hong Kong makes me more unhappy and stressful.  Sitting in that cube everyday is a lot like going to a jail cell where people become separated and anti-social.  And the coldness from my crush doesn't help either.

Weather here is getting a bit colder now though.  That part of Hong Kong, in addition to the buzz I do miss.  One more week and I shall return to Hong Kong.  In the meantime, I have successfully rented out my Shanghai apartment to my first guest.  Hope this city-hopping continue to work out for me.  I am meeting a lot more people in Shanghai and find it reinvigorating.

So good to be home.

It has been a while.  Almost a year since I decided to take on the project of keeping a journal to meet Mr. Right.  Nothing has happened since then but I did make a big step in renting out an apartment in Shanghai.  I feel good here.  After going back to Hong Kong last week, my mood had once again been dragged down.  I felt like I stayed in a prison cell with cell mates that could care less that I lived or died.
I also saw my crush walking on the street with his wife.  I don't really know the state of their relationship being separated for so many years.  Despite my outer nonchalance toward the matter and telling myself and friends that I have indeed moved on, I felt like crying when I saw them together.  I felt shaken.  I don't believe that he is a kind person.  But every person has a purpose in one's life.  He made me want to explore China more, he made me curious about a part of life and the world I ignored in the past.  His presence woke something in me.

I think I should make Shanghai a spot in my life at least, an important one.  I analyzed that there are quite a few reasons why this place should be the right choice right now:

1. Language and culture - no where I've been did I feel like I could access the entire population, local and foreign.  I speak the local language here and cannot be excluded from any group, white, black or Cantonese.

2.  Family - Family and friends have become increasingly important.  I am not sure how many years I can be with my core family and it is precious that I go home as much as possible.

3.  Women power - Women seem to have more of an equal power in Shanghai.  They are more outspoken and the men generally accept it and I was told they like it.

4. Business prospects. Though Hong Kong is more established as a financial center, all the actual businesses are in China.  Knowing China adds more credibility in a world where without it you would find work challenging. Also, it gives me the room and connection to think about other businesses and other parts of life.

5.  I am done with everywhere else.  After getting all my paper showing that not all of these years are for naught, I am now done with all the visible benefits of staying in Hong Kong that most people follow.  I have gone through all the people, through school and work and what not, it would only be fair for me to try something new in a new and developing land.

China these days... sigh

I guess I have been mostly disturbed by the news last week of a six year old boy who got his eyes gouged out by a stranger while playing.  This indeed is a horrific thought.  We all take our sight, and other bodily functions for granted somehow.  Yet this basic necessity can be taken from all of us, violently for some with no reason.  Although there is no clear background as to what really happened, was this from a crazy mental patient, someone who did this for organ trafficking, or as a revenge of an event that happened between adults (knowing that the child's aunt committed suicide by jumping into a well during the investigation).  Strangely enough, the child's sister also died from jumping into a well six years earlier.  This is turning out like plot from a horror drama.  I can only focus on my life and my surrounding.  Shit happens.  I guess he could have been hurt by some other ways, though this is really quite malicious.

Otherwise, plenty of news on the political scene.  It makes me being a researcher quite interesting.  I am kept in the loop of what is happening at the highest levels of a country/companies by doing what I do.  The characters involved and their rise and fall.. I wonder how much an individual really has control over his or her life.  Most of the time, you're already born into a circumstance, and your path is somewhat predetermined, from your projected path of your country, family, and the group of people you follow and depend on.  And that, is out of your control.  You can be chosen, but then how much do you really choose?  I guess the most one could do is be as prepared as one possibly can.  Then one is chosen.  By the company interviewers, for promotions.  If those above you get in trouble, no matter how high you climb, you can still be in trouble.  This is society, the same in China as anywhere else, though the ending can be a lot more dramatic for Chinese leaders than American leaders.  One cannot really be left alone.  One is promoted, or put into house arrest, or accused of affairs and corruptions and whatever else.  

Apt or no apt?

I've been thinking quite a lot to make Shanghai one of my bases, if not one of the main ones.  I do feel better here most of the time, more so than Hong Kong.  It is a great feeling to be connecting with my roots.  Then begs the question:  Is it worthwhile to get an apartment in Shanghai?

Prices are quite high now and to get a 100 sq. m apartment in my desired location, it would cost somewhere around US$1m.  With the 30% down payment requirement and rather high interest rate, this can be a burden to take on.  I would very much like to have a place to call home here though, a base where I can explore more of Shanghai.

At the same time, as an investment decision, it makes more sense to buy in the US, before QE ends.  When it ends, the USD may gain in value, making an RMB purchase relatively cheaper.

Price in Shanghai is not cheaper than Hong Kong but it has a much lower interest rate, which makes monthly payment thereafter more affordable as well.  Plus, I can rent it out on airbnb or anyone that covers the mortgage plus extra free cash flow.  I shall think about this more.

Time wasted for being sick again

I felt I had a sore throat Thursday, probably from the extreme temperature difference between a super air-conditioned workplace and the hottest summer in Shanghai in 140 years outside.  This soon developed into runny nose, lasting for three days.  Latest symptom is coughing.  Though I see signs of recovery on the horizon.  Mostly I feel it was valuable time wasted.  I was supposed to go to church in Shanghai and meet more people and practice my new approach - the more groomed and attitude without sharp edges.  All advices from the relationship books.  Oh well, I guess that would have to wait.

I did meet up with my bunch of MBA friends for dinner this weekend.  I hadn't seen one of them for a really long time, say 3 to 4 years, and found him just as annoying as I always found him.  Time didn't make a difference.  There was just a sense of arrogance and superiority oozing from him being a Taiwanese American in Shanghai.  I originally thought the Taiwanese American category may be the most workable for me, being mandarin speaking, but also more international.  But I can't ignore that some do have a sense prejudice inside them against my very core.  They profited from China's opening up, with their factories and manufacturing facilities employing cheap Chinese labor.  They had the education and capital a decade or so ahead of China's opening up and therefore could use it to accumulate much more.  This just teaches me that money is not such a tipping scale sort of thing.  Yet, at this stage, without the help from marriage, our financial status is more or less status quo.  Accept the lot?

Getting on with the game plan - Fitbit and relationship-strategy books

Even though it has been the hottest summer in 140 years, I am still loving being here.  I feel hopeful.  Shanghai is a full society with more real people.  I feel a sense of belonging that was lacking with a lot of people I interact with in Hong Kong.  Having the extra cash to spend from my airbnb earning definitely helps.

Third day back, I already went to a concert for Jamroquai at the Shanghai stadium last night and enjoyed a few very nice lunches and dinners with coworkers and family.  It is blissful to come back to a home-cooked meal at the end of the day, so the extra commute time may in fact be worth it.

In other matters, I am reading a few books on Kindle like "How to get married after 35" and "Have him at hello."  I think if I am serious about finding love, I should follow a game plan.  I will read more of these books.  Also I plan to get in shape.

A guy friend before I left this weekend told me that honestly if I am interested in dating Asian guys I need to lose a few pounds.  Non-Asians care about curves, but Asians just care about being skinny.  This is an HBS-educated guy with a reasonable family background in Hong Kong.  I suppose one should take his word.

This is just the reality.  I plan to get in shape anyhow.  I want to buy one of those fitbit things that can track my activity levels.  Watch my diet.  Become serious.  If I was determined enough to attain most of my educational and work goals in the past, hitting all the milestones, I should approach my fitness and relationship in the same determined fashion.  The goals and the landscape have changed.  I need to really discipline myself and work on that.  That should take the utmost priority.  I will do it.

Bracing for the hottest summer in 140 years

I'm leaving for Shanghai soon.  I am excited.  Going out in Hong Kong just reminds me how disconnected I am from every single group, the Hongkies, the expats, and the new wave of mainland Chinese.  I want a place where I belong, where I feel at home.  So far Shanghai has given me that.  I have also accomplished everything I set out to do in the three weeks in Hong Kong - doctor's appointments, immigration appointments... Shanghai is experiencing the hottest summer in 140 years.  It is an experience in itself.  I am ready for it.

"I'm onto my third guy in my one and half year in Hong Kong" she says...

I just came back from marketing event where I went to see a big American fund here in Hong Kong.  The guys I met were sharp and presented themselves well.  They did not have any obvious issues - like bald head, fat tummy, bad English or general lack of charisma and energy.  Yes, they were quality candidates. Chinese, western, highly educated probably with an obvious good job with good pay.

But there was almost no chemistry between us.  One guy was being aggressive in his questioning while the other guy toned him down a bit.  When the meeting finished, the salesgirl walked in.  She is a pretty girl from southern California who knew and flaunted her beauty.  She was kind of flirtatious and chatted with the two investment managers.  One smiled at her warmly as we walked out.  Such a different attitude.

She later revealed to me and the other analyst that she used to date the portfolio manager, who is still her friend.  He's too Chinese (mainland), she says.  He's from Guangzhou.  Oh, so like xxx?  I asked.  Yes, just like my crush.  I've been in Hong Kong for a year and half, and I am already on my third guy.  She quipped. I looked up her current boyfriend, who is the son of a big family business in Hong Kong.  He also went to school in southern California.

I guess she is the type of girl everyone wants, especially when you can take your pick of the lot.  She's young, pretty, given the chance to a decent education, well groomed.  I already have a lot of the qualities that most people don't have a chance and resources to get.  But in the face of this girl and the guys' reaction, I felt bad about myself.  As an older single girl, I am just going to be ditched by many of my guy peers for young girls like that.  Anyway, I need to take a positive light to this.  I like the girl.  I would probably pick her myself.  But the lesson is that she always remained sunny.  The other girl who chased after my crush also has been dressing up a lot lately.  She ditched her glasses for contacts after I mentioned it.  I need to keep these tips to myself.  I find that whenever I mention it to fellow girls, they instantly take it.

Feminine mystique.  Feminine power. I need to grasp it.  I also need to lighten up and keep all that philosophical thoughts to myself.  It is a lesson and an art I should have learned.  Just like money, it was not taught in school, as Rich Dad Poor Dad Robert Kiyosaki would have said.  Same goes with the feminine part.  Also, I should not save money as much.  Looking good pays and is a better investment than many other asset classes out there.

"You're not in the West Coast any more. Wear makeup"

I have been going to the new Yoga place these days. After a long day meeting investors and a yoga session, I went to meet up with a local who went to the same business school as me.  He is a simple and honest guy. I told him that I am currently expanding my search for that special one, and that Hong Kong may not ultimately be the place for me.  Other than mentioning that some others in our class who settled in Hong Kong despite not being from Hong Kong (my bad), he suggested that I wear makeup.  I am not in west coast any more.

I do, I contested.  In fact, I do put a fair amount of effort in looking nice everyday, putting makeup on.  I did not at that point because it was at the end of a long day and I had just come out of a yoga session and a shower.  But, he argued, the right guy could just be sitting there.  For the sake of all the potential guys, I should put makeup on.  He wouldn't bring his wife out if she doesn't have makeup on.  They make a lot of difference.

But isn't it a prisoner's dilemma?  I mean, if everyone has makeup, then how special would you be if you too have it on?  Not to say that I don't make the effort.  But if you don't, he argued, you would be eliminated.  Girls at his work go out of their way to extend their eyelashes etc.  He also commented that a girl we both know who went to business school with us is not having any luck in Hong Kong because she does not look too pretty and dresses old.

I appreciate the honesty.  I mentioned to him the possibility of my friend and I getting together since he knows us both and had recommended years ago that I date the guy.  It would be like Mars attacking earth, he said.  I am too outgoing and the guy is inwardly conservative.  Of course, it is always worth a try.

Endless daily distractions and the friend possibility

I've just been wasting too much time.  I try not to but my mind just wanders.  I work on one little errand followed by another task, never working efficiently on the main thing.  The simple goal of doing well in a demanding job has morphed into thoughts about how to make my first million and second, how to find Mr. Right, how to buy the clothes that can reflect my beauty and therefore accomplish the first two goals, how to live a fulfilling life, researching how others have done it, and constantly asking myself if I am doing the right thing.

I don't have much to complain about but I do feel less productive and accomplished when I don't write for a week for work.  There is a bit of fear every time that I would get something wrong or I would not get the full picture to write authoritatively on something.  Concentrate, concentrate concentrate.  The E.gg timer thing recommended in the "Four Hour Worksheek" supposedly helps.

I did not do any of the church things that I planned to do because of work.  Met no one new other than my old business school friend who very recently broke up with his fiancee because she got early stage cancer and his parents objected.  I considered him a possibility since he had most of the background traits similar to me.  Except in the MBTI test, he comes out the exact opposite.  The reason I considered him more is because he was able to date someone three years older than him, and because of his recent loss, he lost a lot of weight and became more sensitive.  Conversations flow between us.  Of course, it is too early to come in in his time of distress.  It wouldn't be fair to the woman too, who I met before and liked.

My office crush has been away in New York with "his family."  Of course the curious and stubborn me wonder what it could be.  Is he there to get a divorce, help his wife move to Hong Kong, help his wife through hard times (like family illness), or simply on summer vacation with an excuse?  I guess none of that really should be my business.  Focus focus focus.

The decision in my mind...

For every big move, one needs to ruminate all the options, weigh in the pros and cons, constantly ask your mind and your heart.  Sometimes those big decisions are thrust upon you, just like fortune and fame sometimes are, making the big move without any external force is a bit harder.  I made that move nine years ago from San Francisco to Hong Kong, and I feel I am perhaps on the edge of making another such move.

I have been thinking more and more - I think my heart is gradually leaving this city.

Clothes at Lane Crawford

As my life improved year after year, my lifestyle also catches up.  It is not at the same pace as my actual improvement, but I do remember in my early years moving from yard sale to K-mart, to Target, and then eventually to some department stores' on sale items.  Of course, as any middle class girl, going shopping for sales item at Zara and Mango is also part of the deal.

Lately, I have noticed the clothes hung in Lane Crawford or Harvey Nichols have such a wider selection and made from better material.  There are just more color, more style, and a lot more pleasing to look at than the often monotone styles in other mass market shops.  They are more expensive and even after sale, I can't find much under US$200.  But they look good.  I could be becoming materialistic, but I think money can improve your life.  Add more color, feeling, and quality to it.  And perhaps that would permeate to your mood and the way you treat others.

Would I be able to spend that much on clothes every month?  It would be good to allow US$1000 every month to buy the newest items.  It wouldn't make a huge difference to the bottom line, but add a lot to my life.  I am also by nature conservative with my money, and am sticking with Shenzhen shopping trips and online shopping for now.  I know where the next step is though...

The three guys this weekend..

Nope, I did not get laid by three separate guys.. the title just denotes the three guys playing a different part in my life here in Hong Kong at the moment.  

First, it is the Indian guy I met through Craigslist a while ago.  He is a kind and very fit person.  Honestly, I think I'd consider being with him if the Chinese race is not so unfriendly toward Indians.  I am not sure if I want to deal with all that.  Anyhow, I lost my keys to my house Thursday night and I went and spent the night at his place.  We slept in the same bed but did not have sex.  My period was starting and I felt frazzled from losing my key and my long time away has made me awkward being with him.  He was sweet.  We talked about Hong Kong, work, etc.

Second guy is a young geeky guy friend.  He came for brunch with a few ex-colleagues.  A kind and helpful guy, he nonetheless is affected by the unique obsession on schools, in the same vein that many here are obsessed about jobs and money.  He kept on bringing examples of overachievers, those who went to the Ivy League etc, yet my ex-colleague and he would complain about how unfair the system is and how most people don't have a shot at it because they are not connected or do not have money.  Another point for leaving Hong Kong.

Third guy is probably one of my best friends in Hong Kong.  He was just about to be married to a Japanese girl when they found that she has cancer.  At his parents' urging, they split up.  It is a sad state of affairs and my role was to cheer him up.  We had dinner and walked around the bay where he wanted to move away from his family.  I like him.  I don't have a strong passion for him as I had for my previous affairs and fixation but his calm and laid-back nature could complement my more firy disposition.  I don't know how it will pan out.  I did spend a long time talking about investment.  I need more self-control and other interest to not talk about that in the future I think.

A city of clerks?

There just doesn't seem to be enough hours in a day.  I start trying to take care of errands here and there, and before I know it, the day would often be over already.  Now I cannot imagine what it would be like trying to take care of a child, running a family etc.  Buying grocery, cooking, running to facials.. and the days are gone.

I am happy I am moving toward my goal of splitting life between Hong Kong and Shanghai.  Since coming back to Hong Kong, I bought five tickets package to Shanghai to be used before March next year.  That leaves me time to visit Shanghai almost every month as planned.  Airport express tickets, also checked. 

Now my heart can be hung in a different spot, I am noticing that I might not really stay here.  Hong Kong has a lot to offer, most of all convenience, but I just don't have the same kind of chemistry with the city and the people.  It just doesn't belong to me.  I can visit, have fun, yet it just isn't me.  

A business friend called it "a city of clerks."  I think there is some truth to that.  After all, it is what makes the city run, what make the businessmen impressed and the bosses happy.  Yet it really has less of a soul because of its expediency.  I say that as a generalization because there are always lots of exceptions.  I remember my first boss telling me as I landed here in almost ten years ago.  Relationships in Hong Kong are superficial he told me.  I could not understand him then.  I never lived in a city like this before.  I understand him now almost a decade later.  

I long to go back to somewhere else now.  I am here because of the convenience of going to work, my two-year gym membership, my facial package, and my Netflix and Hulu.  But in terms of relationships, I just don't meet any real good friends any more.  Not those one can use, but ones one can really feel for, ones that one can fall in love with...

A modern Chinese marriage

Back in Hong Kong and thankful for the fast and uninhibited internet access here.  My ex-crush is out of town on vacation.  I'm reminded of a dinner conversation I had with my Chinese returnee entrepreneur friends last week.

He likes talking about money and power, and emphasized the importance of power, especially in China.  In our march toward mid age, we all realize a bit how the world works and how limited our potential for power and money really is.

Anyhow, he and his wife mentioned how in the premier Chinese finance shops, the lower level people all have government connections.  Those workers, the ones who rose through Tsinghua and Beida, with overseas experience, often try to marry into the political family for further support.  This reminded me of someone I know who married his associate.  I told them about it.  They immediately told me that he must have either knocked her up or she's so-and-so's daughter.  "But couldn't he have married for love?" I asked. "No.  People don't do that in China."  the wife interjected.

I guess they don't mean all of China but rather in the sensitive spot between finance and politics.  It makes sense.  It is expedient.

First visit to church in Shanghai and last night in Shanghai

I visited an English Christian church in the center or town in the afternoon, catching up for dessert with a young Chinese Canadian guy I met in a meetup event a while back.  The church was packed with expats, many of them Asian Americans, and many of those women.  It was a different group from the ones in Hong Kong.  The format was a lot like, an hour of chorus sing-along, followed by a sermon - an inspirational speech to me.

We visited a neighboring restaurant afterwards and I got to know the people more in depth.  There were Taiwanese, Hong Kongnese, Manchesetrite, and German.  They worked a variety of professions, orthodontist, Starbucks, art curator etc.  Overall the quality of the expats are a bit better than the people I met at the meetup event.  They have been living in Shanghai much longer, the shortest period being four years and the longest period over a decade.  They know about China and not the clueless novice.

Again, I feel quite at home in Shanghai.  I feel a bit sad to leave.   I just don't have the same kind of traction in Hong Kong.  I like the city for some aspects, but I don't have a solid friend circle.  I also don't have a good Chinese circle and hanging out with those who are not removes me more and more from my roots.  I feel curious and want to learn.

Two weeks in Hong Kong would have just pass meeting no one new and even when I do, most of the people don't really care and bring no one new to the table.  Tons of single girls in Hong Kong.. I just saw on my wechat updates from other Shanghainese universities'gatherings on a boat trip.  More than 70% girls.  It makes me sick.  Anyway, focus on good positive aspects as I return tomorrow.

Life of a housewife - desperate or blissful?

I visited my sister in law last night.  She is a decade  younger than my brother and has been staying at home ever since she got married, raising her child.  This seemed to be the dream of many young Shanghainese nowadays.  Most average people's salaries are low.  She was just a secretary and had not the rosiest career track ahead of her, and marrying up seemed to be the best alternative.  She was mostly a very straight-forward girl and happy.  I didn't have problem talking to her in the past.

She did not seem that happy this time however, and said her husband often has dinners outside.  I don't think my brother is the cheating type but she said that they're probably dates.  She is turning from a girl to a complaining housewife.

It is the life of many women in China and around the world.  My mother is such a case.  She gave her all to the family and I am not sure how much I or anyone else really appreciated her.  She certainly has no independence even in China.  I'd like to play and have a role in the world.  I like to know and understand and participate, and not retire in the comfort and too-simple life of homely chores.

Two more days in Shanghai.  I definitely had a great time.  There were moments of loneliness, but I have to say that they were definitely few and far in between.  Thinking back to my life in Hong Kong, I had rather few real friends.  People come and share moments of good togetherness but they are not long-lasting.  They can disappear just as easily as they come.  For some reason, in the end of the day, so many of my friends in Hong Kong end up being girls and yet almost all my friends here are guys.  They may be married, but they are still a caring group.  It has its charm and efficiency, but I think Shanghai is definitely happening.

Back to returning to some purchased shoes (too small for my feet, but I had to learn about the complex world of women's shoe size around the world).  and dinner with my friend.

A few observations in Shanghai

Let me jot down a few observations and thoughts about my two weeks in Shanghai before I forget:

- People dress pretty nicely.  - In general, people are better looking than ones in Hong Kong.  Perhaps decades of being an international city in China has exposed Shanghai to various nationalities and cultures from earlier on and people know how to be more fashionable and better present themselves.  Though I know most people do not have a high average salary, they are able to buy a lot of nice stuff cheaply.  The variety is interesting to watch - all the colors and patterns in dresses and clothing.

- I'm not as an outsider as I thought but I'm not as much of an insider as I sometimes think either.  I have become cozy with my Chinese coworkers and mostly they do not reject me as being Chinese or local as most other Chinese would outside of China.

They tell me a lot.  My fellow coworkers are all from the countryside of China and told me many stories of lives in the countryside.  One told me that his relatives allowed his uncle to die and not tell him that he had cancer because it would be an exorbitant amount to treat the disease, a luxury the peasants don't have.  Another uncle almost died not being treated for something that would have cost a few Rmb.  Most people are still poor in China.

- Large population explains everything.  The traffic, the competitive drive, the rigid testing system, the automatic answer to hierarchy, most of it can be traced back to the sheer number of people.  Limited resources and not a lot of people get it.

- There is a lot of talent there just as there is a lot of wasted potential.  I appreciate how much talent there is here.  I feel quite lucky being here that I actually had the chance to accomplish a lot in life and won in so many ways.  Many people work just as hard but never got rewarded.  I had a skewed perspective always comparing myself to the more fortunate and privileged friends around me when I should remember that I am already luckier than so many.  In the same vein, I really like associating myself with real Chinese than just ABC types. I feel a real connection and it's a shame that I had abandoned that relationship somehow in the past.

- I like shopping online.  It's so much cheaper, easier, and I get it delivered the next day.  It's so fun to get a package at home every time I get home.

I feel guilty not having produced more in the past two weeks.  But I think I'll get back on track.

I am wondering if I'd ever get plastic surgery.  I don't like the way my face looks.

A visit to the Google office made me realize...

A guy I met at my alumni event in Shanghai invited me to have lunch with him at the Google office near my building in Lujiazui.  The office was set up a year ago, and despite Google's declining sales and market share in China as a result of its clash with the government, the decor inside was quintessentially colorful, upbeat, and creative.  A private chef cooked all the meals cafeteria-style and we chose what we wanted.  The place was above 60th floor in Shanghai World Financial Center, a normal office building but the view was good from up there.

There were plenty of amenities, massage room, mother's room, pool table, coffee table, library, and a gym.  It was the same kind of setup as you would find in the Silicon Valley.

Somehow speaking to my friends both in engineering and sales, I feel I am much more of a finance/literature kind of gal.  I like what I do.  I like the people I talk to - they are well read and keep a pulse on the economy and the world.  Tech made me dress down all those years and I somehow just didn't get the feminine style and attraction.  It didn't fly well outside of Bay Area.

My ex-crush coworker is still on my mind a lot, but not sitting next to him certainly helps.  I wonder if he thinks about me at all and if he's perhaps together with the private equity girl.  I wonder if she's a spy sent by the government.  I need to find my own love.

Crowds - and subway incident

When I happen to leave home on my long commute to work at a somewhat later time, I am met with a sea of people, rubbing shoulders against one another trying to enter into the subway and trying to manage to get to their destinations stacked aside each other like cans of sardine.  Today was such a day.

I marvel at the sheer number of people, which in fact is the foundation of much of the Chinese psyche.  People are more rude to one another, more honest, because one is just in contact with so many people.  One is also more wary and distrustful, and more competitive, since you realize you need to get resource in the same pool.  People learn to better deal with each other.  An environment with a lot of people helps one understand human nature more.

Back to serious business.  In the crowded subway to my work, I strangely found the guy standing close behind me having an erection right next to my back.  His thing stood up against my butt.  He didn't push but it lightly touched me.  I didn't turn back to see who it is.  It might catch attention of those others standing by and it somehow excited me.  I think I would have just had sex with him - he turned me on.  I think in Japan they have sex clubs where people go into a subway environment to be excited in a lewd way.  I was curious to see who the guy was when I left my station but there were lots of guys and i was embarrassed by what happened.  At last, I've had a close encounter with a Chinese guy.  I'd like to actually 'be' with one in my time here.

I didn't want to be your neighbor any more

Friday my office crush in Hong Kong also showed up to a more important meeting in Shanghai with the senior guys.  We bumped into each other in the elevator lobby as we went to use the restroom.  He was surprised to find me (shows that he was aloof since I already walked by him before).

Later, he swung by my office area and asked how come I am working in Shanghai.  I instinctively replied, "Because I do not want sit next to you as a neighbor any more."  He cringed at the answer somehow.  It was meant as a joke but I can't deny it's really mostly the truth.  He then went to talk to the young girl sitting in front of me before he returned to talk to me again, which made me jealous.

He asked about everyone's background.  I dissed the Hong Kong office a bit but I think I should have just practiced my silence and diplomacy.  I promised myself that didn't I?  Just because in my mind he is someone I could confide to does not mean in reality I should trust him.  In fact, I don't.  I know he would just use people, for passport, for connections, for promotions.  I feel that in him, and I feel that he would just as well abandon friendship for the lack of useful cause.  I do not want to be that deserted party.  He told me that he always like China more than Hong Kong.  For now, I like Shanghai.  I like my new friends here and I like the feeling of home here.  Weather is cool and a bit rainy, just the kind of nostalgic feeling that attracts me.  I feel home.

Chasing H in the airport

Of course I feel like this is a total repetition of what is naturally programmed in me.  I know that almost twenty years ago, I started the same obsession with my biology teacher, with the child prodigy and then with my Aca Deca competition mate.  I know it repeats itself.  I know it's bad.  I hope yoga will help quiet my mind and I hope maturity and my learning of the feminine power can help free me from my programmed obsessive self.

So - it might be ridiculous to you and it might potentially be very embarrassing for me.  I was surprised to find that as I was getting ready to leave the office for my flight to Shanghai, my ex-crush walked into the office with his suitcase.  After chatting with his new associate for a while (he interestingly hired someone who is from the west coast and went to the same graduate school as my undergrad and also studied in Europe), he left with his suitcase.  I knew it was not appropriate for me to go to the airport with him.  I had not talked to him for months, alas.  I did however, find the in me a surging desire to follow him.  I did.

Ten minutes after he left (I waited), I managed to clean up and move toward the airport.  I wanted to see him outside.  I knew it was a conflicting emotion, one wanting to see him pulled by a very basic instinct of sexual attraction, and another the desire for self-control.  I know my emotion has not been the most trained animal on the block and I wanted to tame it in order to have a good life.  Letting me follow attraction is not a good idea.  When I talked about him and many other crushes after all, friends often ask if I actually slept with him. I know it is ridiculous.

When I got to the airport, my flight gate was not yet assigned.  I was left with time to kill and knew I couldn't help myself but to find out the gates for other more expensive flights leaving for Shanghai. I found Dragonair and had a hunch that his flights would leave from there.  I went there.  I looked around.  And as I was leaving, I ran into him.  He had headphones on as always and I waved and stopped him.  He was calm and collected.  I was too.  But then I have no idea what the undertone really is like.  I greeted him and asked if he was going to Shanghai.  He asked if I was going to 504.  I said no.  My gate has changed and I don't know what my new gate is yet.  He left.  I wonder what he thought.  Did it seem obvious that I was lying and would he have any inkling that I was stalking him?  He must have some sense of my obsession, not that it bothers him or that he particularly cares.

I am relieved now that I did see him and that now I can start my two weeks without him in Shanghai.  All is well.

On a different note, I am very interested in brushing up my flirtation skills.  It is so useful and the subtlety can loosen up any situation and why not wield the feminine power?  It makes life more fun definitely.  It can help my obsessive nature.  It puts me on the radar screen.  Speaking, like writing, is an art.  I not only need to know how to say the words with confidence, I also need to learn how to deliver the write message to the right person in the right way.  Live with flair. For example, I thought about my supposed date yesterday.  Why would the Frenchman tell me first about his lawsuit and not continue telling me what it is?  Why use that as a bait for me to get to know him further?  That definitely is an attractive trait and which female in her rightful mind would want to go out with someone just so he could reveal what his lawsuit is about in time?  Age certainly did not help the Frenchman with the artful craft of speaking.  I certainly need to brush up on that side.

"I like your inverted smile." says the Frenchman

Yesterday I got a strange call with a strange accent.  The person mumbled something about being from my business school.  He asked to meet me for coffee.  I figured out in the end amid my apologies for bad reception that he is the middle-aged bald European guy I see walking around town, whether it is on the escalator or having coffee at the Starbucks in my building.  I just happened to bump into him that morning when I was walking to work.  I agreed to meet him today.  Later in the evening, he called again and asked if I would have dinner with him at a French restaurant at 9pm.  I refused.  I wanted to go to hot yoga and had no interest for a very sudden request for coffee or lunch.

I met up with the guy this morning out of curiosity and a slight kick that someone is officially asking him out, no matter who it is.  He showed up but did not tell me anything about himself.  He again mumbled - I realized that it wasn't a cell reception problem but his own slurred foreign speech.  He said something about always thought I liked him a little bit.  He met me two years ago and kicked himself for not picking up the phone to talk to me then.  He liked my inverted smile.  That was what J told me before..

He wouldn't tell me anything about himself.  He said he's in a bit of legal problem and he would not tell me what it is.  He said he would not tell me anything because women would start vetting the guy afterwards.  He did not want that.  He just wants to have dinners and see him.. then eventually he would tell me.  What is that?  Do I want to know about him in the future? But we are meeting right now.  Why can't he tell me about it right now?  Why do you like me and yet know nothing about me?  I decided not to see him again. Even my curiosity is not enough to cover my impatience for his English skills and his potential liability as a downer in my life.

Gosh there are so many people with less than satisfying jobs and lives.  I appreciate the little sanity that I have here.

Looking forward to Shanghai - my changing heart

After my fixation on the Bay Area, I am now moving my target toward Shanghai.  Most of my friends have moved away one after another in Hong Kong and now I feel quite alone.  I don't even know how to begin meeting new friends.  I went to church with a guy friend last weekend and saw "World War Z" afterwards.  It was good to meet new people, even if they are younger and two couples.  Just like the wedding I attended before, I was seated with four or five couples.  I was the conspicuously the only single person there.  But no matter.

In any case, I feel fondly for Shanghai.  Not to say the city is better than any other, but it is the newness that attracts me in addition to being my home.  In a new city, there are new corners to explore and new experiences to have.  There I can reinvent myself.  I can be unknown and perky again.  I don't have to act awkward around my coworker any more.  I know there would be the same issues but it is rejuvenating to have more chances at life.  Besides, since my family is there, it is a way for me to actually build a base that will always be there.

After two years, I bumped into my old colleague in the same building as me.  He used to sit next to me and had moved on from his old job at the same time as me.  Now he is again my building mate and is also attending an executive mba program at my old business school.  I treated him to lunch.  Good to make new connections from old acquaintances.

I have been hooked on the new TV serie "House of Cards" after a church friend recommended it.  It indeed is very good.  I am attracted to the girl there, who looks like my affair's new girlfriend.  Looking good is my new hobby.  If I can lose a few pounds first that is.

Cherish life

It has already been more than six weeks into my coughing/bronchitis session and I am growing tired of it.  I want my energy and life back, where I can think clearly and exercise and go out and enjoy the city.  Instead I still move between work and my apartment half-zombi-like and pestered by incessant coughing.  My chest X-ray taken at the doctor's visit last week came back positive, but that did not prevent me from catching the 2nd wave of cold.  I really need to get better.  I did quit smoking entirely, a leisurely habit I had taken on since two years ago to experiment with different facets of life.

But all of this is no comparison to the chat I had with an old business school friend of mine, who informed me that his fiancee had surprisingly been diagnosed with reproductive cancer and their September wedding is now cancelled.  This is especially shocking given the proximity I have to the event.  The girl is around my age and my friends in banking have been feeding me stories of people around them being diagnosed with all sorts of illness lately.  We all think we are young and have time to burn before we get to doing what really matters to us.  Somehow we all think life will sort itself out and we would get enough time to do what we are meant to do in our short time on earth.  Yet the time is now, but it is slipping away.

"Man is born free and everywhere he is in chains."  So says Rousseau.  As we grow older, we are more aware of the limitation set around us by the unseen forces, power you are not as aware of as a young and innocent child.  I think back to the movie "Taxi driver."  You get a job, and then in a little while you become what the job is.  What more do we want? Just passing through life?  Enjoy the superficial comfort money brings and obey our expected duty to raise the next generation?  This all beyond me.

The tangible thing to do: I have signed up for a physical exam in August to care for myself.  I've never done so before.

Another one of my close friends has left Hong Kong this week.  I am again alone.  I plan to be in Shanghai the next two weeks for a change.  Hopefully I can learn something new in a new place and find opportunities along the way.  Hopefully I'll be again my whole self with my energy back there.

Adding to the simple pleasures of life - Netflix, Hulu, and conversation with a Shenzhen masseur

Whereas before I ran around Hong Kong seeking thrills, activities, new people, the last months I have been staying put at home mostly.  I find peace in my own place by myself.  After owning Apple TV for a long time, I finally managed to set up links to Netflix and Hulu Plus.  A few missing episodes of Desperate Wives and Mad Men in the queue, I am happy.  The two have a generous trial period (Netflix trial period is a month), and the $7.99 monthly fee is much more attractive than my nowTV suite.  Rather than giving money to the Li Ka-shing family by default, I called to cancel my nowTV today.  There is no need for 2 year contract now.  Who could plan two years in advance?!

To add to my peace and the simple pleasures, I went to Shenzhen for massage last Sunday.  I researched the best route to take there from Central.  Rather than transferring at Hung Hom and TST stations as I had done in the past, I transferred at Mongkok and Kowloon Bay. The whole trip took an hour but it was rather effortless.  I could read and surf the web like I normally do at home anyway.

It is probably good to note the conversation between masseur and me in Shenzhen.  She looked young but not too young and told me that it is rare for a girl to come to massage alone.  I suppose.  But I'm single.  I am not interested in engaging in coordinating activities with friends most of which don't have a visa to China or are otherwise not so close and would need my attention on the trip.  I do not have enough patience at times to act as a tour guide to people have no clue about China, either in language or in culture/history.  

She later said that she's single and born in 1976 from a family of five in Pingdingshan, near the coal mining town in Hebei.  She doesn't want to get married, so she says.  We spent the next hour talking about the strain of marriage and how modern marriages mostly don't last.  I need to be better to myself, she says.  Why do I earn all this money but not spend it on myself?  I'm the first person she's heard who come to Shenzhen not to relax but as a way to explore a channel to stay there for free while I rent out my apartment in Hong Kong (on airbnb).  When she saw me, she immediately thought that I am not the kind that would make myself look good and attractive through clothing.  I do I said.  I am just very stingy and think everything costs so much.  And I don't know what to do with old clothes.  They seem to cost so much.  Do I just give them away later?  I have accumulated so much.  Oh, she said.  If everyone is like you and keep all their clothes, would department stores have any business?

Sure.  I need to treat myself better.  She said especially if I'm single and young.  Should I be saving my money for my kids and husband in the future?  Even if I would be using my own money later when I am married, I'd need to consult with my husband and think twice before I buy a dress.  That is the exact thing my family's Shanghainese friend from the U.S. said to me.

I rejected two airbnb requests already.  I did not want to trouble with leaving my apartment when I should be in Hong Kong.  It is a great way for a side cash however.  I am thinking I might just invest in a better couch that can allow someone to sleepover, for myself and for cash and for company.

Here's the map of the city that I'm trying to get to know more - a closer and cheaper alternative to Shanghai.

"Tokyo is like an old wife" and "Marriage begins with misunderstanding and divorce begins with understanding"

A Japanese business classmate came to visit on a business trip from Taiwan, where he is currently living, and we went out to have dinner.  He seemed to be a mirror version of me in his quest to have a family and settle down.  On the other hand, he is toying with three to four girlfriends at the same time in Taiwan.  He says he needs to settle down, so that the society tells him, but he doesn't want to settle down.  I am the same way.  I don't feel how settling down and having a family can guarantee it would be better than my single life.  Most of the couples are unhappy, how could I really be a sure exception?

Why not go back to Tokyo, what seems to be a natural destination for someone to find a place to settle down in a hometown?  He says because Tokyo is like an old wife, he already knows it too well.  Isn't it true with all of us that travel and live in different parts of the world, soon our relationship with a place is not unlike our relationship with the opposite sex.

There is a timeline, that sweet spot and then the decay, where statistically speaking most people get divorced at the seven year mark, in what is known as the "seven year itch."  I remember an older executive in one of my old firms told me that "Marriage begins with misunderstanding and divorce begins with understanding."

In some way it is cynical, but it is not devoid of some truth.  We all need a little bit of mystery to spice our imagination to lend more feeling to what is otherwise a boring existence.  When all is worn out, like when I know all of the freeways in a place, and how people think and act, where the WalMart is and where a career is headed step by step, or like when someone knows too well what his or her spouse would say the next moment and there is no longer any romance of the relationship, we begin to draw away and lose interest.

Rather than settle down, I adviced, perhaps it is better to find a mate to explore a new place together.  Shared experience can bring a couple together, whether it may seem better or worse at the time.  The horse trainer put it right this past weekend, "Often it is not the present that brings us happiness.  It is the memory and the anticipation."  In that sense, we shouldn't live in a place where it may seem better as a settle down place, but in a place where we can find hope and transformation.  A place that gives us a sense of mystery and empowers us to want to conquer it, to get to know it and become better because of it.

A wedding and two crossed boxes with a 47-year old horse trainer in San Francisco

I just came back from a long flight from San Francisco, stopping in two different place in between so that I could save some cash.  I need to write this down before the feeling quick erode and I am back in my Hong Kong state of mind.

First - meeting my love who went away
After all the heart felt words and an affair that turned to a divorce on his side, he showed up with the 27-year-old flight attendant/neighbor that he is currently dating.  I tried to keep my cool demeanor, talking with my classmate who flew from Shanghai.  Funny enough, he was in SF to meet him as a business contact and the week before I had shared with him the shenanigan between my 'ex'-love and myself.  It was nice to have someone to sit with in the church ceremony and hang out together in general.  He is married with a kid himself but his old rough side has grown more mature as time wore on and I find him good to talk to.  My ex love kept emailing me, like asking who the guy is sitting beside me in the chapel (I told him who it is... anti-climatically).  He wanted me to sit next to him at his table at the wedding reception.  I was happy to be sitting elsewhere with potential singles at a table on the other end.  But... it didn't prevent this...

Bouquet throwing and bathroom crying.. how cliche..
When it came to bouquet throwing time, I reluctantly walked to a crowd of women, and stood in the back row.  Then his girl valiantly stood in the front row with open arms.. and what do you know.  She caught the bouquet!  So there I was, in a wedding of my friend who seemed to have it all and with my ex-love in the arms of another who caught the bouquet, where I could only stand in the back muted.  It was one of those 'My Best Friend's Wedding' moment.  My eyes welled up in tears, stimulated in part by the emotional speeches and jet-lagged psyche.  I had to excuse myself to the bathroom and cried for the next hour.  I did not dare to go back.  I knew I'd just lose it and embarrass myself and others.  It was one of the reasons why I did not want to become a bridesmaid in addition to not having time.  One girl waited outside in the stall forever for me and was seriously worried about me. Good thing was I did not know her.  Maid of Honor was there and I told her that the reason my eyes looked red and puffy was because I was moved by her speech.  I took a breather outside walking for a few blocks around Union Square in San Francisco.  When I returned, the cakes were already eaten and the wedding was over.  I caught the last goodbyes with a few people walking out.  An old Chinese graduate student who sat next to me wanted to take a picture with me so she could introduce me to a fellow PhD student who also moved to Hong Kong.

Nightclub, a stolen kiss and the horse trainer
An hour or two later, I ended up in the club lounge that the newly wed booked a block away from the wedding reception.  I saw him.  My love that I had buried along with the my best marriage years - he was there alone.  He came by and when he saw that a guy was talking to me he told me that I should keep on flirting.  "But what should you do when you have no real feeling?" I asked.  "Nothing I guess."  He told me that it was good to see me even if it is brief.  I told him that I felt sad.  He figured so, he said.  I had acted super cold to him.  Then we stood there.  His hand reached for mine and he reached over to kiss me.  Then he left.  We embraced there for quite a while.

The guy who talked to me earlier came back and became physical with him.  I said to myself, what the heck.  I did not have a strong feeling for him but I am only there for a short time and he was fit enough.  After a few moments of fondling around, I followed him home to Richmond, where he stayed.  He is a super neat guy and his condo, which I expected to be messy on an unexpected visit, was made up like a hotel room.  He is a third-generation horse trainer from Seattle, and his brother a jockey.  He was working in China for six years and followed a woman there.  He told me that they grew apart and he came back to the US.  Our conversations were fairly philosophical.  He said life was difficult for him in rural China where he did not speak the language and was the only foreigner that people stared at.  Even after he learned Chinese from a university he could not use it in those rural parts where people spoke dialects.  But after he came back to the Bay Area, the quiet suburb got to him.  He thought he could now speak to everyone, but instead, there is no one to speak to.  He lived close to the Berkeley horse track where he worked, and there is not a sound at night, not like the hustle and bustle in China.  But now he's stuck.

All that talk got to me.  Bay Area was very sleepy.  I missed how dynamic Hong Kong is.  I kept thinking that the place not for me.  Especially after talking to the horse trainer (who has no excuse for feeling lonely cause he's a Caucasian with his entire roots in the States) and also my father, whom I met right before his flight.  He said Shanghai is better.  Nothing changed in the Bay Area in the last ten years.  He walked from he used to park to UCSF and could not believe the efforts he took to find parking.  We visited our Daly City apartment, one of the places we stayed at and it all looked shabby.  He thought he wasted so many years.  Sure, most of us just run around in jobs that see no end, with no one caring and no real significance.  Suburbs are places of quiet desperation.

I came back appreciating Asia more.  It is happening here.  The faster pace meant that one gets to experience more life than elsewhere.  Being single is the norm in the city and one would not notice it as much as one would being all yourself in the middle of nowhere in the Bay Area.  Your existence does not matter.  It is about family life, but what if you don't have one built up?

I am happy about the trip.  I am happy that after all these years, I finally had sex with someone in the United States and I also crossed the age bracket unbeknownst to me.  47 was how old my ex-boss was when I started working with him and developing a long crush.  I fantasized sleeping with him and now I have done so with someone who is his age before.  I guess those boxes are crossed and I feel more satisfied because of it.

Lots to share, but I am happy to be back.  I learned a quick lesson there, and now I am in my comfort zone. My airbnb tenant paid me close to 400 bucks while I was gone and left the apartment in the same condition as I had left it.  That extra cash was sweet.

A beleaguered fortress

I had lunch with a successful friend who is a partner now at a major bank.  She married early and always heard my complaint but every time very matter of factly tell me that marriage is not what I think it is.  Like quite a few people who tell me that marriage is overrated, she likened the situation to a beleaguered fortress, a popular Chinese novel that describes life as a situation where people always think the grass is greener on the other side.  Those in the fortress want to get out, and those from the outside want to get in.  This applies to marriage, employment, etc.  But what about the guaranteed companionship that comes from being married?  She said before that it doesn't always work like that.  When you want company, your companion may not be present.  When you want to be alone, that person is there.  Who says one should get married or have kids? she questioned me.

I have to be honest with myself.  I am kind of nerdy and not someone I'd like to date if I am a guy.  I am kind of serious and most of my recent memories have centered around trying to make it.  Trying to stay afloat in a competitive world where I don't fall into the cracks.  I have been lucky to be where I am today, with a career I am satisfied with and a job that I am comfortable at.  It could definitely be a lot worse.

Talking with friends who have lived in Los Angeles a few days ago, I kind of realized that I somehow I have affixed myself on the idea that I need to return to the Bay Area many years ago, even though it is not a part of my life right now.  Yes indeed, SoCal is warm and offers surfing, and people are not as nerdy.  Why should I forever be associated with the nerdy Asian American types just because I went to college in that environment?  I like having that set of friends but there is a big world out there to explore, to try out the different outfits to see if they are ones that would suit me the most. Why not take this chance and do that.

I started to notice all the characters in Hong Kong, their diversity and energy and drive.  I like being Chinese.  It feels good.  I no longer have to justify to myself or to others who I am.  I can own up to it.  There is so much to discover and learn about China and the region.  Maybe that search and pursuit to go back to the Bay Area will all end with me liking this place once more?

Dad in hostel and advice "guys think with their dicks"

All's set for my return to San Francisco for my friend's wedding.  Interestingly enough, my dad would also be there at the same time as I found out in my last call to him and he mentioned he would be there to renew his visa.  More incredulous to me was rather than sticking with his normal adventurous airbnb arrangement, he said he had reserved a San Francisco hostel, sharing with five others.

I have to say that I was rather embarrassed by this again.  Somehow my family is just not normal enough to join the normal world that I live in, no matter how I try to look at it.  I worried that he would not like the rough environment there and who knows what kind of weirdo he would meet there.  A search on the internet said the hostel as one of the worst experiences the people who stayed there had.  As expected, there were drugs, piss etc. The conversation to convince him to switch did not go well.  I said it very bluntly that our family is better than being beggar-like like that.  He simply hung up and did not pick up again.  I shall just let things be I think.  It is good that he is being adventurous and I have to admit that part of my motivation of him being has to come from my own vanity.  This is no different than a chapter from the novel "The Glass Castle."  

On the other hand, besides totally much more than the 27 single female friends beyond the normal marriage age (even by educated liberal today's standard), I did receive an important advice from my ex in SF.  He said that the best thing I could do for myself is to look my best in the next year.  I need to make sacrifices and not eat the stuff that I normally eat.  I need to lose 10 to 15 pounds and I need to dress my best.  Guys are visual animals and think with their dicks.  When I am successful in losing weight and looking good, I would feel and act attractive, and that attracts people.  I agree.  Nothing is easy in life and we just have to try.  There is also no better way to spend money than looking better.

I do have more time and energy to feel womanly now that I have more control over my work hours I have to say.  And indeed, I can probably make money in the long-run if I just invest better rather than killing myself.  I do realize that there are so many more interesting things in life than making money (which is also important to me, just more fun doing it passively than actively).  I like reading about a lot of different things and I like developing long and meaningful relationships.  I'd like to experience being a mother.  I'd like to live a full life.

That said, despite the fact that there are very few guys that I feel attracted to, and I'm not sure how this looking good can really improve my chances.  My feeling for my Chinese coworker kind of backfired.  I think he is nice enough and kind enough to befriend, but my ego has been hurt and I really have ignored him completely for the past three weeks.  Even when I wanted to be nicer and talk, I found myself mostly silent (also being sick and coughing didn't help).  When he found me alone at lunch on Friday, he struck up a conversation saying how quiet it is.  I looked at him blankly and did not respond.  Before he went to lunch, he deliberately walked to the girl sitting next to me asking if she wants to have lunch.  When she said she already has plans, he walked by me without saying anything and then went and got his sandwich all by himself.   I have no more interest to hurt myself either now or in the future and it really isn't worthwhile to build up a relationship with him even if he could be such a great friend in my imaginary mind.

I'm attaching a picture here which I don't fully get.  But I take the advice from my ex graciously.

27 single girlfriends

I just sat down and tallied my single female friends around the region, all 27 of them.  They are ones I know for sure are single and not those choosing to be single or already dappling about in the dating pool because they belong to the beauty contest category.  The number indeed is staggering and disturbing, as all of them have good income and relatively good education.  It is not helping I know to fall down the path of negative thinking, but the numbers speak for themselves.  Can I be the few who buck the trend and land a good balanced life?

Lunch with a reporter and excursions with a dating agency

I had lunch with a Bloomberg reporter that I've known for a while on Monday.  A very down to earth Chinese who spent a few years in Oregon and Arizona, he seems to know about life in small town USA.  He just had a baby and overall seemed to like all the places he had been.  One needs to appreciate where one is at and not start to appreciate it all when you leave.  Oregon was green and Arizona was a desert.  One just needs to appreciate the geography when one is there.

I went to a dating agency yesterday.  I was kicked out of another repeatedly for no reason.  This time they accepted me, but it is exorbitant, costing HK$6000 for 3 introductions.  The lady who didn't have any makeup on herself and looked rather drab told me that I was dressed more like a mom type in the bird-print top I had on.  I should work on my hair and makeup.  She then handed me the prices for professional photography.  "Competition is more fierce in Hong Kong.  Other girls, graduates of Harvard and Insead all know how to package themselves.  They all took those professional photos to start."  Even Gweilos care.  They say those tops with large prints remind them of their mothers.

I went through her database and made my picks.  Half of the guys work in IT.  There are a few dorky Asian guys.  I felt a sense of entrapment thinking that I may be trapped with a guy like that for the rest of my life.  Yet I have to be the one taking professional photos to impress when the guys never needed to do that.  The strategist did say that all guys are looking for in a mate are "young and pretty."  This is a depressing reality.  I am no longer young and I can't say I'm extraordinary.  My brother today told me over im chat that the chance that I would find my perfect partner in Shanghai is 0.  So drastic and heartless.  If I want to deceive myself and dream, then by all means I should go on.

I had lunch with another potential employer who was interested in hiring someone like me in his team.  It also being a Chinese firm with marginally better platform, I acted rather reluctant.  This is especially true when I am considering altering my lifepath altogether.  I should just enjoy the present for now.

After a day in the park

A Shanghainese friend visited Hong Kong and I decided to reconnect.  I went to Chinese University with her while she visited another one of her friend.  I find the countryside calming.  We biked around Sha Tin and went as far as Tai Po before it began to rain and we returned.  I continued my cough that I thought I recovered from last week. I should be better to myself.  Turning a leaf in life definitely reprioritized my goals. While I still want to pursue a career that I enjoy, I hope to do it along side with all my personal development goals.  I want to pick up a hobby that most people in this part of the world do not have the time or the awareness to do.  I want to try new things, golf, club med, pamper myself.  I want to be good to myself, while there is no one else around to be nice to me.

I think I live in the busiest and loudest part of the town of the busiest city in the world.  This provides endless stimulation to my senses that it often drowns out my own voice.  It is easier to drift with the flow, work within the same system.   I want to find a peaceful spot, solace within the storm that I can retire to regularly.  Too bad to do one would need to add the necessarily cost of transportation and going to the airport.  Ok, I really need to stop whining and get busy living.  Recover first.

I'm ready for the plunge

A week back in Hong Kong and I am already feeling like leaving again.  I feel like the convenience of the city  has served as a disguise for a full social life.  One can easily get lost in the shallow relationships - so easy to make friends and so easy to meet, yet no one could give minimally to friendships and relationships and feel like one has so many.  My friends seem to connect with each other much more.  My friend from Shanghai again reminded me that life in Shanghai is much more settled.  I know my experience would be different, having not lived there for a long time.  But I know the settled feeling both there and in the States.

I feel stimulated and distracted in Hong Kong, but little belongs to me.  People come and go and I don't belong to the city ultimately.  I had my fun and my experience but it is now time for something else.  In any case, it'd be very difficult to have a family here.  I know I miss many aspects of the city, its international flavor, its convenience. Yet to everything there is a flip side, the international flavor comes as a weird mix of different people who come together and then leave, and the convenience comes at the price of the lack of commitment and people coming here just to make a buck and leave.  I can hardly think about investing in a bigger place but how could one actually live in a small apartment like this as a family?  Also identity wise, I don't really belong.  In the US, I feel American and can talk to lots of people and in China, I can also talk to a lot of people.  In Hong Kong, I can only talk on the superficial level to the expats passing by and at surface level to the locals.  It's been a long time.  It is time to try something else. In any case, I am not meeting that many new people.  Any place becomes stale after a while.  It needs a jump start.

All I need is to clean up my apartment little by little and put it on airbnb.  I need to sell some old clothes and clean it up a bit more.  Let's see how my tropical fish will do with the automatic fish feeder.  If it becomes a problem, I shall give them away.  They've lived well for over two years and managed to not lose a single one from their company.  I think that's an achievement in itself and a pretty good run for the short lives of tropical fish.

I am ready to take the plunge.

A place for guys who can't cut it

Hong Kong as a financial center attracts the ambitious alpha males for sure, but somehow it is also a refuge for those around the world who come to take advantage of the lack of education of the masses of people in Asia.  I seem to often wonder what people are doing here sometimes.  If one really wants to find one's self, they'd go to more harsh places like Africa or keep on moving, yet they stay - with no clear purpose or long-term plan.  The only thing I can tell is that they are enjoying the number of women here and readily give out the attention they like.  This has become more obvious every time I come back to Hong Kong from traveling elsewhere. Maybe it is the lack of real jobs for those who are not in finance.. maybe I should just be more forgiving to people because one day I might just end up in their shoes.  But one thing I feel more and more is that I don't have a lot of time to waste meeting and hanging out with people are just have little to contribute.

The next stage

Most of my friends have stepped on the treadmill to another stage of life, that of rearing kids, finding the best education for them, finding housing in the suburbs of America.  Getting the best job and conquering the best career path has already become a passed chapter of our lives.  Instead, the center of our lives have moved onto those of our descendants.

I wonder where my stop will be. I am used to the convenience of Hong Kong and its international flavor but I am tired of the lack of romance in this city.  The transient nature makes building a stable life more difficult.  How can most of my friends still be from outside of Hong Kong after making this place my home for eight years?

I hung out a lot with my entrepreneur business school friend this past week, who made quite a few bit of money selling his business recently.  He is recently single and highly mobile.  But not sure if there is a chance. I had dinner with him and his mother and went to a dance that he invited me to.  All before we met at the airport before he headed off to a conference in Mexico City.  I've known him a long time and know his entire family.  I have no flirtatious power to take it further and not even sure if I should go with it but who knows.. he is a decent guy and has everything on paper, tall good looking, wealthy, and not the kind of arrogant rude guy sitting next to me.

Beautiful Bay

A few days of gorgeous weather here in the San Francisco Bay, I feel mostly peaceful and relaxed.  I feel fortunate to have a place that I can go to as a sanctuary for the mind.  The familiarity and the memory, when shone under the beautiful sunlight makes one want to cringe with love.  I am traveling with a friend new to the area but not to California and it is nice to be able to show someone around for the first time the beauty of the region.

That said, I can see how things can again be too peaceful so that it becomes boring if I were to stay.  I thought about all the amazing places that I have been in the world and that I equally appreciate, the countryside of France and the Italian border with Switzerland... their more exotic nature make them equally attractive.  And it would be a lot to also give up my study of human nature back in China.  With so many people brushing shoulders with each other and access to all levels of the society on the move, I feel it gives one the ideal classroom to understand ourselves, what motivates us, how society and history impact our lives.  All of that, I cannot get in a peaceful and beautiful place like here.

It after all, is a great place to return to, heal one's wounds and then go back to the battleground to understand and conquer a piece of the world.

Missing Bay Area

I will be on that plane to San Francisco this Saturday, two weeks after I have returned from Shanghai.  Two weeks here has already been a bit too long I think.  I miss the San Francisco Bay Area.  Of course, I am sure being on the ground in a few days shall put me back in touch with an un-idealized picture, but still.

I get annoyed all the time at my ex-crush, the way he never ceases to talk about himself and dissses the world and filling his rants with Chinese expletives, the way he still flirts with the private equity girl, the way he just doesn't care about me.  I have moved on but sitting next to the guy doesn't help.

I definitely will spend more time in Shanghai after I return from San Fran.  I have already begun to clean up my apartment so that I can rent it out when I am gone in the future.  I think it is doable.  I bought a file cabinet with a lock so I can lock up my personal stuff.  My automatic fish feeder seemed to have done the job last time.  I am now buying the tube to automatically empty my dehumidifier box so that I won't come back to an apartment with mold growing.  I think everything is under way.  I also got into more of a home improvement mode.  Whether it is changing my sink cabinet or kitchen cabinet and installing an oven, why don't I just make my humble abode more liveable?  It should ultimately be better rental value or resell value.  Pet project, besides maybe picking up golfing or tennis.  Market is bad, but why not take the time to enjoy things while one can.

I daydream more often of settling back in the Bay Area, at least for a little while.  Can I just quit and go?  Without school as a break now, career just seems like an endless conveyor belt of days strung together that turn into years and decades.  Is it possible to stop and think?  I always wanted meaning in my life.  Not to say that that I don't have it, but am I destined to live just an ordinary uneventful life?  One filled with reports and overtime in the office.  Is it possible to achieve more grandeur than that?

In light of making this blog a bit more fun, I'm trying to add a few pictures here and there to jazz it up.

Extreme sports expats

I went to a British diver's talk at the Royal Geographic Society last night - a group of mostly commonwealth expats in Hong Kong.  I bumped into a few ex-coworkers as expected, since it was a very commonwealth-ish place.  There was a new HR head at my old workplace that I found useful to get to know.  He said the market is bad and no one left the company after bonus as he expected people to do.

After the talk by the famed British diver who made about 8,000 dives around the world, I got together with four white expat guys, from Germany, Scotland, England and US, for beer.  All of them have been in Hong Kong for approximately fifteen years and I find it great to talk to that group.  They are a lot like my old colleagues - those that I could become long-term friends with.  I found it easy to talk to them.  Whether it is because I'm the only girl or that they felt compelled to be nice to an Asian, I don't know.  But I find it pretty nice.

The Scot who invited me and sat next to me talked about all the extreme sports he does.  He did bungy jumping and sky diving a few dozen times, in addition to diving every weekend.  He's also involved in a band.  It seems like a full-on life that puts my mundane desk job to shame.  The German guy spent more than three years consulting for the Shanghai Stock Exchange in Shanghai before, and found it a great place to live and the people much similar to German than the Spanish that he used to work with back in Munich.  I am happy to have found such a group.  I will try to go to the event next week which deals with China and try to live a more interesting life.

My Chinese crush finally came to talk to me today and asked me about Shanghai, four days after I have returned.  He came out of the blue and I was again quite startled and jumped from my seat upon his approach.  He said that he's more scared than me when I get so scared every time he tries to talk to me.  He said he just returned from an hedge fund conference there, they invited him to speak because he knows Chinese.  But then corrected himself and said because he speaks English.  He then complained about how quiet the office is, as if there is a curfew on, and there is no privacy for making client phone calls etc.  The Hong Kong woman kept complaining about the status of her bull dogs on the phone and everyone knows about it in the office.  He wanted to break the silence, he said. He wants to start watching porn in the office. I guess that was tongue in cheek.

I rounded off the evening by going to a Hong Kong speed-dating event, where I met about 30 people.  Before going to the event, I was inspired by digging up the marriage details of daughter of the Taiwanese president Ma Yingjiou.  She attended Harvard around my year and married a classmate currently working in Hong Kong.  Interestingly enough, the guy also grew up in California, came to Hong Kong around the same time, left around the same time (I for business school and he for modeling gig, both in Europe), and actually lives in my neighborhood.  Literally.  But then the speeddating event turned out more of a disappointment, where most people were local Hong Kong crowd who can't think outside of their little island.  Besides, there were few good looking guys.  They were younger, lots of IT in a bank type.  At least I tried there.